1997-09-20 - Harvard
Pre-Game
Ladies and gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite having spent the night in Cambridge, the New Yorkiest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching On The First Bus out of Beantown.
[Fanfare]
J. Justin Shubow, drum major - Stuck here for the day
J. Randall Allsup, band coach - Stuck here for the weekend
and J. Harvard students - Stuck here for four long years
[Fanfare]
welcomes itself back, for the first time in a long time, to curvaceous, shapely, wide-open, easily-accessible and yet still...virginal Soldier's Field, where we're sure that the Lions will leave a Crimson stain in the dirt, the game will be as close as the upcoming New York mayoral election and the score will be as low as the morals of the average Radcliffe student.
[Band "marches" on and plays Who Owns]
This fall, Harvard University has decided to ban halogen lamps in campus housing because of a serious fire last fall. It seems a few freshman students, displaying that wacky brilliance unique to Cambridge, Mass., had decided that the fifty cents for a spin dry cycle was too much to spare to dry their laundry the conventional way, and so brought it back to their room. Looking about for the warmest place to hang their soggy wash, they decided that a halogen lamp was a good clothesline substitute. Unsurprisingly, at least to us Columbia students, they started a substantial blaze, and caused the restrictions this fall. This led the band to the immortal question, "How many Harvard students does it take to burn down a dorm room?" Answer: "One, because they're just that smart." We would like to remind you once again that these people were, indeed, admitted to Harvard. The band now forms a halogen lamp and plays one of its favorites "I hear you knocking, but I'm too busy belying a worldwide reputation for academic excellence."
[Knocking RUN AWAY!]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and members of the Kennedy family, back despite JFK jr. in the nude, the most scandalous band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Family Values
[Fanfare]
featuring
J. Michael Kennedy - Getting' it On
J. JFK jr. - Takin' it Off
and J. Joe Kennedy Sr. - Rollin' in the Grave
[Fanfare]
presents an all-star half-time salute to the women in all our lives.
[Play Who Owns]
Despite making it through the summer without losing any more rap artists, the world suffered a loss recently when Princess Di and Mother Theresa passed away within a few days of one another. Although the papparazzi is being blamed for the death of Princess Di (since they fed her driver
alcohol and anti-depressants and ripped everyone's seatbelts off), their obvious role in the death of Mothber Theresa has been egregiously overlooked. Tabloid photos of Diana's exotic vacations and rich lovers may have been splashed across the National Enquirer from time to time, but who can compare that to the endless photos of Mother Theresa's glamorous leper colony holidays, or the constant headlines screaming "Mother Theresa Helps Poor" And although Elton John has already recorded the pervasive "Candle in The Wind," Puff Daddy has a tribute to the late "Motha T," with extensive sampling from "Nearer My God To Thee." The band now forms a tasteful tribute to Di's chauffeur and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[sedated] (we contemplated saying "The Band now forms Princess Di" and forming an amorph, but we figured it would never get approved)
Recently it seems the Mattel corporation has sued the record company which released the song "Barbie Girl," because of the negative aspects of the song which criticizes the plastic fashion doll and its attendant messages. Mattel has, however, taken this criticism to heart and the band had discovered a memo revealing the company's plans to release a new line of dolls to bring Barbie into the nineties. A few selections:
* Gen X Barbie - the barbie that just doesn't care
* Sexually Aware Barbie - complete with Ken-sized condoms
* Militia Barbie - KKK Ken sold separately
* Drag Queen Ken - And you thought he didn't like it when you dressed him up in Barbie's clothes!
* Suicide Cult Barbie - Death pudding not suitable for children under three
And finally
* Gansta Barbie - Complete with a gat and a fo'ty, changes from Blood to Crip colors under running water
In other great strides for women everywhere, the recent Miss America pageant allowed contestants to wear two-piece bathing suits. This was such a huge success that the organizers decided to modernize in other ways for next year's pageant. For example, contestants will now be encouraged to vote, but only for Republicans. In the talent competition, Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" will no longer be recommended as an appropriate selection, while the Spice Girls' fresh, new brand of "do-me feminism" is delightful to all. And although contestants are now allowed to wear bikinis, songs by Bikini Kill are still out of the question. Of course, the biggest proposed change, which will unfortunately not happen next year, is to no longer judge the contestants as pieces of meat while maintaining the illusion that this "scholarship contest" is helpful to feminine America. The band now forms a tiara and plays, in honor of little girls' dreams everywhere, "Fantasy."
[Form tiara. Play phantasy]