1997-10-25 - Yale
{PRE-CENSORED SCRIPT}
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and ISO members, back despite greedy administrators, it’s the picketingest Band in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching Bane of the Capitalist Pigs.
[Fanfare]
featuring:
J. Marv Albert - Tied up in knots
J. Marky Mark - Showing us what he’s got
and J. Bill Clinton - Crooked, he’s not
[Fanfare]
...Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the level of play will be as high as Columbia’s current pay offer, the score will be as close as Columbia is to exploding into riot, and the Lions will show the Bulldogs exactly what we do to scabs down here in New York.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
For those of you who were last on campus in 1973, there’s currently a strike of clerical workers against Columbia University. Many professors, ever on the look-out for ways to prove their political correctness, have moved their classes off-campus in a show of support for the strikers. It hasn’t gone smoothly, though—although the music department’s “Wrapp Factory” classes are terribly popular, religion students with classes at St. John the Divine’s report having to genuflect to their professor three times before they’ll start lecturing. Classes at Koronet’s were popular at first, being twice as long as those at Famiglia’s, but lost esteem when everyone found out they had to throw up afterwards. Lit Hum classes at the West End have proved a boon to both business and academics, what with the $4 pitchers for unpopular sections, and the Karoake machine to provide that perfect venue for everybody’s thoughts on both the Iliad and Dexy’s Midnight Runners. The choice of some professors to encourage class bonding by requiring everyone to make a cheap and tawdry hookup has backfired, however, although it has provided a nice personal understanding of the rage of Dido. The band now forms the West End and plays “I hear you screaming at me, but I have to go found Rome”
[knocking]
Please rise, and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band grids up and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]
HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and alumni, back despite the bouncers at the alumni tent, it’s the most solicitous Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Make Your Check Out To The Band.
[Fanfare]
featuring
The Alumni - Shelling it Out
The Administration - Raking it In
And The Students - Seeing So Very Little Of It
[Fanfare]
. . . with alumni blood alcohol content on the rise, the temperature on the decline, and our level of enthusiasm somewhere in between . . . presents an all-star, gender-neutral, multicultural, politically correct, homecoming half-time show.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]
Earlier this month, everybody’s favorite totalitarian, mayor Rudy Giuliani, criticized his democratic opponent, Ruth Messinger, for not attending a Columbus Day Weekend mass. After his crack political advisor team pointed out that Ruth Messinger is not, in fact, Catholic, Giuliani withdrew his criticism. He then went on to criticize her for living on the Upper West Side, being a woman, having a one-syllable name, preferring Pepsi, staying to see a second showing of Boogie Nights, having wider hips than he, failing to paint herself green and white for the Jets game last weekend, being unable to hold her liquor, throwing like a girl, being too intellectual, being Jewish, and her inability to rotate three-dimensional objects inside her head. When it was pointed out to him that this all reeked of cheap political maneuvering, if not outright anti-Semitism, he said “Well, she was just one of the people who should’ve come to mass. I criticized John Denver, Louis Farrakhan, and the Dalai Lama for not showing up, and none of them is running against me.” Just you wait, Mr. Giuliani. Just you wait. The band now forms the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria and plays “Carry On, My Wayward anti-Semite”
[carry on]
Earlier this week, the Justice Department filed a complaint against Microsoft for—and this is a shocker—antitrust law violations. Janet Reno asked specifically for a million dollar a day fine, and the band for one knows this is going to cut deep into the pockets of Bill Gates. Sure, the man has $36 billion dollars, but that doesn’t mean he can’t feel economic hardship just like the rest of us. Here are some of our ideas on how Bill Gates could raise that $1 million dollars a day.
-Fish change out of the sofa
-He might have to go ahead and sell Tanzania
-Ransom the CEO of Netscape, rather than previous plan of having him shot
-Take advantage of IRS loophole by paying $200 instead of 10% of holdings
-No more sex with Demi Moore
-No more sex with Bruce Willis
-Can only buy three Senators this week
-Quit that nasty cocaine habit
And
-Sue the band for libel
The band now forms the maniacal and yet geeky head of Bill Gates, and plays, in honor of libelous drug habits everywhere, “I Wanna Be Sedated”
[sedated]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band holds formation and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]
RUN AWAY!