1997-11-01 - Princeton
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and prospective voters, back despite election day weekend, the most decimated in the World, the Columbia University Marching Voter Populace.
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. Christine Whitman - abhorred by New Jersey's right wing
J. Jim McGreevey - adored by New Jersey's left
and J. Princeton University - hated by all and sundry
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, choleric, urbane, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien stadium at Baker Field where we're sure that the Lions will continue on their football juggernaut, the score will be as high as voter turnout levels, and the game will be as close as the mayoral race.
[Who Owns]
The recent worldwide stock market crash had groups as diverse as Socialists and Lyndon Larouchists dancing in the street and ready to feast on the corpse of the worldwide economic system. However, the markets quickly righted themselves, allowing for the worldwide oppression of the proletariat to continue without a hitch. Though the crash was widely blamed on the recent instability of Asian currency, the band has discovered through its vast network of informants the real cause of the crash: the zany antics of TV's beloved Steve Urkel. An executive at Wall St. firm Sachs Goldman Peabody, where Urkel had been working as an intern, told the whole story on condition of anonymity: "One minute this Urkel guy is there writing down the market reports, and I'm like, 'Yo, kid. How 'bout a cup of coffee?' I turn my back for a moment, and the next thing I know, there's tickertape everywhere and he's flailing around the room, and I notice the Dow's dropped 150 points. Is he ever gonna get it! I don't know if I'm gonna fire him though. He's just so cute and zany. Ya gotta love him." Urkel reportedly has apologized for everything. In response to the crash, new Stock Exchange rules will prohibit unpaid interns from carrying precariously balanced stacks of paper across the exchange floor without supervision. The band now forms a plunging stock market and plays "Carry On, My Wayward Capitalist Enterprise"
[comws]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band performs our national anthem.
[banner]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Princeton students, back despite our better natures, the Most Homogenous Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Princeton Student...
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Rudy Giuliani - Leading in the polls
J. Ruth Messinger - 1997's Robert Dole
and J. Andrew Giuliani - He'd better be as cute as Chelsea this time round
[fanfare]
...presents an all-star, gala, preelection day, halftime salute to El Niņo, the official weather disturbance of the Columbia University Marching Band. El Niņo, for all your climate devastation needs.
[who owns]
Recent analysts of the New York mayoral race have suggested that despite the overwhelming lead Rudy Giuliani would seem to have in the polls, it is in fact possible for Ruth Messinger to snatch victory form the jaws of defeat. How? you may ask, incredulously. Why El Niņo, of course! If everybody's favorite weather pattern were to dump lots of rain on the city this Tuesday, more Messinger voters could be expected to brave the deluge. One anonymous source in the Messinger camp seemed to doubt this analysis, however: "The only thing that's gonna turn this election around is if Giuliani kills a man with his bare hands." We haven't heard that kind of positive thinking since Michael Dukakis ran for office. In yet another effort to pull ahead in the polls, Messinger assured everyone that her children will be heavily sedated and in restraints at her inauguration. Giuliani showed little concern over this bold move; after all, if he should lose, he still has the lucrative position of Doug Louellen to Ed Koch's Judge Wapner on the recently revived People's Court. That would, of course, be the first time he served any office with the people's best interests in mind. The band now plays what Ruth herself will be crying on inauguration day "I wanna be sedated"
[sedated]
The Marching Band has been quite confused by the recent news stories surrounding the findings of a congressional committee inquiring into the causes of Gulf War Syndrome. Most of this confusion arose from our belief that Gulf War Syndrome was becoming involved in overseas wars out of economic interest thinly disguised as an ethical interest. Symptoms included when the best weapon used against the enemy is "Guns N Roses",when the television cameras arrive before the Navy SEALS, and when your war has a t-shirt franchise.
Related illnesses include the Monroe Doctrine, the Roolsevelt Corollary, and of course, the Russian Flu. Of course, our understanding of the Domino Theory has always been "get your pizza in thirty minutes or bomb them back to the stone age," so we could just be watching too much TV. The band now forms a smart bomb and plays tribute to wars you can watch in the comfort of your very own home with "I hear you knocking, but I don't intervene to prevent genocides unless the oil supply is endangered"
[knocking]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band now plays the Columbia College Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."
[without sauce]