1997-11-15 - Cornell
{no pregame?}HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell Seniors, back despite self-defense training, the Most Well-Armed Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Attack Band. [fanfare]featuring:
J. Cornell Students - In Awe of a Squash
J. Cornell Jews - In Search of a Nosh
And J. The bottom of the gorge - In Need of a Wash[fanfare]Featuring corn on the rise, the student population on the decline, and the social life at Cornell still as stagnant as the pools of vomit in the Fraternity Houses, presents an all-star musical halftime gala salute to Cornell, the Midwest of the Ivy League. [march in to Who Owns]Recently it seems Cornell's Jewish student population was placed under some duress when changes in the housing situation would seem to force the only kosher dining option around campus out of business. The new plan would move the biggest customers of the Kosher Dining Hall, the freshmen, thirty minutes away from said dining hall. Although the Cornell Daily Sun was apparently unable to locate an actual Jew to speak to, they did find some guy who had worked in a kosher nursing home to tell them that meat and dairy can.t be eaten together. He then went on to tell them that Catholics are against abortion, that Baptists don.t like the Pope, and that Scientologists are just plain crazy. The Daily Sun then made the assertion that though Cornell dining services couldn.t actually serve kosher food, they could serve dairy and meat products separately. In other words, the annual cheeseburger-eating contest, while still encouraged, is no longer mandatory.The Cornell administration has also vowed to take the ham chunks out of the milk, but students remain suspicious. The band now forms a bunch of ham chunks and plays "Smells Like Pork to Me"[play smells]In the first national news story from Ithaca since the last time a depressed Cornell student decided the world was too much with them, one of you wacky squash-loving types figured that the most clever thing they could do was put a medium-sized pumpkin on a very high steeple. The pumpkin apparently broke the tedium of Ithaca life, raising everyone's spirits just a bit and convincing Cornell students everywhere to put off the suicide attempt till next week. Said one hapless student, "Impaling the pumpkin, well, it's a good break from impaling ourselves," to which his friend responded "It makes you wanna look up and laugh, instead of look down and jump." When we asked these students why they thought the pumpkin was so exciting, they replied "Well, it's a pumpkin. And it's real high." "Yeah, it's the most exciting thing since the campus got indoor plumbing back in .89. Now all we need is a telegraph to jet us into the twenty-first century." The band now forms a telegraph line and plays "I Hear You Talking, and I Can't Wait To Get Back To Manhattan"[play Knocking]run, and I do mean RUN, away!