1997-11-22 - Brown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, and Teamsters, back despite totally unexpected corruption, it's the Unionest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Jimmy Hoffa Junior. [fanfare]Featuring:
J. the Unabomber - not all that crazy
J. septuplets - rather amazing
and J. Brown Students - just plain lazy[fanfare]welcomes itself back to cold, small, average, yet still mediocre, Brownstadium, where we're sure the Lions will leave a big Brown streak in thefield, the score will be as high as the average Brown student, and thebrass will play as low as their moral standards. [Band takes the field to Who Owns]Recently it seems the New Orleans School District, following a policy whichprohibits the naming of schools for people who owned slaves, changed the name of George Washington Elementary School to Dr. Charles Drew Elementary School. Although some observers thought the renaming was a bit excessive, others are following suit by changing the names of their schools. The Mao-Tse Tung School for the Arts, for instance, has decided to tone down its hardline image, while Judas Iscariot High School is distraught at the idea of changing the name of their star basketball team, the Fighting Betrayers. And while George Washington may have been the father of our country, students don't want to rename "Bachman Turner Overdrive Junior High" because of their immense respect for the fathers of classic rock. The band now forms an eight-track, and plays, "I hear you knocking, but you can't come in"[knocking]Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, and Rhode Islanders, back despite the stupideststate name this side of Utah, it's the most homesick band in the world,the Columbia University Marching "Toto, we're not in Harlem anymore."[fanfare]Featuring
J. Gulf War Number Two - Averted
J. Fidel Castro - Subverted
and J. Bill Clinton - Perverted[fanfare]with Title Nine lawsuits on the rise, academic standards on the decline,and the Brown football team on the bathroom wall, presents an all stargala halftime musical salute to mediocrity everywhere; especially inProvidence. [Who Owns]Yesterday released its new film "Anastasia," turning the Russian revolution into a animated musical comedy. A few weeks earlier, in an attempt to sink "Anastasia," Disney re-released its classic "The Little Mermaid." Disney representatives claimed that they had the sole rights to butchering history. In fact, Disney plans to release three historical films in order to further hurt its competition. First up is "A Medieval European Tale," in which a group of lovable rats leave their cramped eastern home for green and spacious Europe, bringing the Black Plague to the west, but not before delighting all with their mischievous, but disease-carrying, antics. Then there's "The Land Before Franco," Disney's first Cubist cartoon, in which it takes a young Spanish shepherd named Pablo and his wacky sheep (voiced by Jason Alexander) to teach the Socialists not to kill the Fascists and the Fascists not to kill the Socialists. And finally, an as-yet untitled cartoon about Hiroshima, in which Lil' boy learns a valuable lesson about doing his best. "If only myfriends blowing up sand dunes in New Mexico could see me now!" After his mission is through, he is no longer a little boy; he is now a little man. [sedated]Brown University, known throughout the world for its dedication to the highest intellectual pursuits, found itself the lucky recipient of 60,000 comic books recently when Michael Ciaraldi had no more space to keep his collection after he decided it was time to move out of mom's house. Although one might expect that Brown's reputation as a center for serious scholarship would have attracted an unsolicited donation of back issues of Spiderman and The Incredible Hulk, instead, the donor posted an advertisement to the Net, and a Brown research librarian posing as a twelve-year-old girl snagged one man's misspent adolescence. The only stipulation of the donation was that the comics be stored in acid-free mylar bags, forcing Brown's John Hay Library to move its acid collection elsewhere. The band now form an acid collection and plays, in honor of perpetual youth everywhere, "When I'm 64" [64]