1998-04-26 - Bacchanal
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and a capella singers. Back despite our intense fear of the circus, it's the drinkingest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Maenads!
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Dionysus - id
J. Apollo - ego
And J. Robert Barro - super-ego
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself to Bacchanal '98, where we're sure the turnout will be lower than the chances of a Milli Vanilli reunion tour, the blood-alcohol counts will be higher than Dan Gati's earned run average, and the weather will be hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in a tub of scalding water. Featuring the gods of the Greeks on the way down, Asian mystery cults on the way up, and Orientalism full speed ahead, the band presents an all-star salute to killing and dismembering your children with your bare hands.
[who owns]
"President Rupp, the students are growing restless. What shall we do?"
"I know. Let's inflate some shit and put it on South Lawn!"
Yes, that's right, it's spring, and at Columbia you can see the signs everywhere. The smell outside Mama Joy's is that much more intense, up at Baker Field the baseball team is losing instead of the football team, and there's inflatable shit all over South Lawn. Hmm. When I read the Bacchae, I seem to remember a lot more frenzied orgies, and a lot fewer Velcro walls. And what's that over there? Are those pugel sticks?
[American Gladiators]
Yes, from the looks of it you could run the Eliminator out here today. The band for one longs for the good old days when the word Bacchanal meant drunken debauchery, not a capella concerts. The band now forms a drunken orgy and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[Sedated]
Last week a dramatic peace treaty was signed, ending the longstanding dispute between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland. You may remember this war from such movies as "The Devil's Own" and "Da," as well as the ill-conceived "Catholics vs. Protestants week on Family Feud." Though we may never again see Daniel Day Lewis being anally raped by British convicts, it would seem that the gains to world peace outweigh the loss to bad cinema. But just as ethnic strife subsides overseas, it surges here at dear old CU. It seems that someone doesn't like Nussbaum & Wu, the brave purveyor of Jewish and Chinese baked goods. What perverse militia member could be responsible for the brazen attempt last week to disrupt business at the reasonably priced eatery by crashing a car through the window of the bakery? Dear God, what is to become of La Bella China? The band for one is outraged and will stand by our beloved "N and W," and its courageous attempt to provide Morningside Heights with General Tso's knishes. In honor of these brave souls promoting ethnic unity in our own neighborhood, the band forms world peace and plays "Love Shack." Bang, bang, bang on the door, baby!
Band: Knock a little louder, Sugar!
[Love Shack]
Thanks, kids. You've been terrific. And remember, everyday is Earth Day.
[March out to Roar (or Raw)]