1998-10-10 - Lehigh
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Ally McBeal fans, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - inhospitable
J. Andrew Weir - unethical
and J. Zack Weinberg - vulgar
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the lions will score repeatedly, the engineers will not get any dates, and the Barnard students will enjoy every minute of it.
[Who Owns]
And now, for news from the war front: Earlier this week, Citibank forces announced a major victory in their battle to rid Columbia of heretical banks, when they demolished the headquarters of rival Chase Manhattan on 113th Street. Though some Chase Bank forces remain in a small building across the street, it seems unlikely that they will be able to meet the full banking needs of their customers. "Victory is ours," said the Citibank president, grinning in his office decorated with the skulls of his enemies. "Now the rebels will be forced to go to 109th Street to fill out a loan application." He then proceeded to laugh maniacally. It was the worst fighting seen in the Columbia area since last year's "Taco Revolution" in the Wien Food Court caused the deaths of twelve people and one chihuahua. The band now forms an umbrella in honor of Columbia University in the City of New York, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Travelers Group, and plays Bon Jovi's classic, Living on a Merger.
[Livin' on a Prayer]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and heretics, back despite the Fourth Crusade, it's the most Byzantine band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Iconoclasts.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. the Crusaders - defeated
J. the Saracens - undefeated
and J. the Doge of Venice - laughing all the way
to the bank
[fanfare]
as well as student spirits on the way down, Jell-o shots on the way down, and student spirits on the way up, the band presents an all star salute to the Tenth Anniversary of one of the greatest victories in the history of Columbia football.
[Who Owns]
Yes, since the Lions recently completed the most successful road trip west since Julius Caesar rolled his tanks through France, it might be difficult to imagine that a mere 10 years ago Columbia football emerged from a 44 game losing streak, giving Princeton its greatest embarrassment since the school's founders realized that they had just started a college in the middle of New Jersey. Things were different back then; the Mets were really good, while the Yankees were merely okay; no one from the cast of Dawson's Creek had starred in a single movie; and Daryl Strawberry still had his entire colon intact. What better metaphor for the passage of time than Daryl Strawberry? One day you're playing a little baseball, doing a little cocaine, and then bam, the next thing you know you've got a private room at Columbia-Presbyterian and you're drinking your meals through a straw. Daryl himself grew nostalgic and admitted that the 16-inch tube was the largest item removed from his body in over ten years. To commemorate the class of '88, the band now forms a number 1 and plays a classic from the 1980's, Sweet Child of Mine.
[Sweet Child of Mine]
The past is well and good, but now we’d like to turn our attention towards… the future! Ten years from now, what will we remember of 1998? How, the first senior class in Columbia history to beat Harvard 3 times! [pause for cheers] Or the band's shameless sucking up to John Reeves! [pause for nothing] Whatever happens, life will surely be different. For one thing, we will all have personal robot servants to do our bidding, and once again a person's popularity will depend on how much he or she resembles MC Hammer. But let's move beyond the obvious, and try for some more bold predictions. Perhaps Americans will flock to theaters to see James Cameron's new epic, "TWA Flight 800." Maybe Columbia will proudly begin construction of the Lauryn Hill Student Center, in the hopes of miseducating several more very rich students. And instead of saying, "I'll meet you at the sundial," perhaps Columbia students will say, "I'll meet you at the 30-foot tall statue of Provost Cole riding gloriously into battle." Now that's what I call enlargement and enhancement! The band now forms an example of where we'll all be in ten years and plays, "I Hear You Knocking, so I'll Turn My Lights Out Right Away, Warden."
[form prison, play Knocking]
The past, the future. This is what we call time, and it's a mystery. The past is gone, but the future will surely see the football team rise to ever greater glory, and the band will be there riding on its coattails every step of the way. Please stand as the band plays our alma mater and yours, "Sans Souci."
[form lines, play Sans Souci]