1998-10-17 - Penn
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and toast hurlers; back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer, sightless eyes
J. Andrew Weir telling no lies
and J. Dana Roitberg knocking him out with those American thighs
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to Kafka-esque Franklin Field in sunny, multicultural, hardworking, cheese-steak loving, yet still apocalyptic, Philadelphia, where we?re sure the Lions will beat the Quakers into passive resistance, the Penn students will earn an A for effort if nothing else, and the nearby criminal population will appreciate the influx of rich, defenseless older people into the neighborhood.
[Who Owns]
In recent news, the Disney Corporation is planning to open a brand new entertainment complex in Philadelphia, with a focus on virtualreality. The band, for one, thinks it's a good idea: God knows we sometimes like to pretend we're not in Philadelphia anymore. And who could resist a chance to watch Mike Schmidt eat a Virtual Cheese-steak and then scratch himself? or the Rocky Virtual Boxing Gym, where the swarthy Italian boxers may be animatronic, but the smell is all too real. Everything should go fine as long as the Southern Baptists don't find out that Disney is building an entertainment complex in the City that Loves You Back, even if you're a cute 12-year-old boy. But at least tourists will have one more thing to do in the city where Pete Rose went after Cincinnati didn't want him anymore. The band now forms a mouse and plays "I Hear You Knocking, but I Can?t Figure Out How to Open Doors with this Damn Glove."
[form mouse ears, play Knocking]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and time police, back despite our desire just to stand around on the field and never leave, it's the time-wastingest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching For the love of God, please get off the field, it's been almost 8 minutes.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Bill Clinton - Impeachable
J. Republicans - Going for the Kill
and J. Yugoslavians - Running for Cover
[fanfare]
as well as scores on the way up, toast on the way down, and hungry bandies greedily eating it off the ground, the band presents an all-star tribute to those amusing people who have cultural traditions different from our own.
[Who Owns]
Our first strange culture belongs to the Makah Indians of the Pacific Northwest, right here in America. You see, it seems that as part of a nineteenth century treaty with the United States, the Makah are allowed to go whale-hunting. Whale lovers around the world have protested, but the U. S. government said its hands are tied, since it would be unthinkable to disregard a treaty with a group of Native Americans. A spokesman for the Makah was elated at the news, saying it was the greatest cultural event for his tribe since 1983, when Indians and tourists were once again allowed to use the sacred roulette tables of their ancestors. He then suggested that pilgrims over the age of 21 should take I-5 to exit 17 for the loosest holy slot machines in the Tacoma area. The band now forms an arrow and plays, "Living on Mad Dog 2020."
[Prayer]
The band loves all strange cultures, but we're afraid the Makah Indians may have gone too far with their latest move, demanding a restoration of their traditional right to kill Jesuit missionaries. Though the world community has unanimously condemned this measure, it has won widespread support among the students of Saint Ignatius High in Seattle. Meanwhile, German-Americans have asked to resume their tradition of invading France every 50 years or so. This is actually not such a problem, since French-Americans have petitioned the government to ensure their right to surrender to the Germans. All that remains, it would seem, is to clear out the 12 people who live in Montana and rename the state France. The band now forms the French army and plays "Hanging Tough".
[Hanging Tough]