1998-10-24 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, Bulldogs, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - someone you don't know
J. Andrew Weir - someone else you don't know
and J. Lou Hellebusch - someone you should really get to know
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to the state of the art Yale Bowl in criminally insane New Haven, Connecticut, the earache capital of the world, where we're sure the Lions will disassemble the Elis into interchangeable parts, the Yale student body will follow the football team's slide into mediocrity, but the theater department will still be pretty good.
[Who Owns]
Hello there everyone. It turns out that this year, for the first time in 244 tries, Columbia College received more applications than Yale. Now this has been a long time coming, so we'd like to gloat for awhile while you all sit there in breathless anticipation for the Yale band and their crack team of trained bulldogs, who will do countless tricks for your delight. So anyway, we're number 2! Ha ha ha! Now all the pretty young actresses will come to our school. Now we get to lose to Harvard at everything every year. Of course, we already lose to Harvard at everything, but at least now it will be official. And the mediocre, one term presidents will play baseball and join secret societies at our school now. Oh, one more thing. We want the Yale Bowl. We've got some trucks lined up out back and we're taking it back to New York. So there. The band now forms a number 2 and plays, "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In Our School, Why Don't You Try Yale?"
[Knocking]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and impressionable young children, back despite our lost innocence, it's the most disillusioning band in the world, the Columbia University Marching There is no Santa Claus, and You Were Adopted.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Mike Tyson - back in the ring
J. the sport of boxing - up against the ropes
and J. Nevada Boxing Commissioners - receiving their children back, alive and well
[fanfare]
as well as football on the way up, football on the way down, and Sir Isaac Newton, vindicated at last. The band presents an all-star tribute to Jesus.
The first thing they teach you in the critically acclaimed Yale English Department is that you can't have good literature without a Christ figure. Unfortunately, as playwright and Columbia graduate Terrance McNally found out, it's okay to lobotomize Jesus and have Jack Nicholson portray him, but you can't make him gay. Although his new play, "Corpus Christi," has left audiences hoping for a quick crucifixion, the protests around it have helped it make piles and piles of money. The band now forms a dollar sign on behalf of our fellow Columbian and plays, in honor of success at any price, "Hanging Tough."
[Hanging Tough]
We realize that you citizens of New Haven are rather limited in your entertainment options. So we've decided to perform a scene of "Corpus Christi" for your amusement. Our scene begins in a prison cell in Corpus Christi, Texas. Jesus and Judas Iscariot are alone together?
Judas: Yo, Jesus, I just heard. I can't believe they gave you the chair.
Jesus: Yes, Judas. We all have our crosses to bear. Anyway, they only did it because I'm gay.
Judas: No, it's just Texas.
Jesus: Well it was your marijuana they found in my car.
Judas: Oh yeah. {pause} Well, sucks to be you.
Jesus: Yeah. We'll talk about that when Lucifer is gnawing you in one of his 3 mouths for all eternity.
Judas: What?
Jesus: Nothing.
Judas: {pause} Hey, sucks about Peter.
Jesus: What?
Judas: I totally thought you were gonna hook up with him. All that about, "on this rock." That was smooth, man, smooth.
Jesus: Oh yeah.
{pause}
Judas: Well listen Jesus, I gotta go.
Jesus: No Judas, please just wait here with me awhile.
Judas: No man, I'm gonna go see "Night at the Roxbury." I got a date with this really cute guy.
Jesus: {annoyed} all right
Judas: So anyway, sorry about dying and all that.
Jesus: Yeah, yeah.
The band now forms a crucifix and plays, "I Love Jesus Christ."
[Rock 'n' Roll]