1998-10-31 - Princeton
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and crusty old Englishmen; back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching If You Thought That Was Offensive...
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer: going to hell
J. Andrew Weir: going to hell
and J. Dan McCarthy: if you don't show up to the game, you can't get killed by an angry mob
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic, Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will move the ball faster than Princeton students at a keg party, the Tigers' playbook will be even less original than their helmet design, and the pumpkin-heads will be smashed as usual.
[Who Owns]
The band was saddened to learn that the United States Senate recently refused to confirm the nomination of gay businessman James Hormel as ambassador to Luxembourg. The heir to the Hormel meatpacking fortune was defeated by Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott when he refused to join Lott in proving his heterosexuality the traditional way, by having sex with a congressional aide on the Senate floor. Ironically, Trent Lott is himself the world's first openly gay closeted homosexual. The band for one thinks that little Luxembourg, the nation that put the Lux in Benelux, will be a little the worse without Hormel, the self proclaimed "World's biggest fan" of legendary men's figure skating bad boy Elvis Stojko. For one thing, he would help the tiny nation relate to the Belgians, and to men's figure skating in general. But enough of the thinly veiled homophobia, let's have a party! The band now forms Luxembourg and plays "Something."
[Something]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and John Glenn, back despite our shameless self-promotion, it's the oldest band in outer space, the Columbia University Marching They Won't Even Give Me a Driver's License Anymore.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. NASA - studying the effects of aging on publicity stunts
J. John Glenn - studying the effects of what happens when you push all those newfangled buttons
and J. the other astronauts - studying the effects of praying really hard that you don't die
[fanfare]
as well as "land for peace" on the way up, "land for sex" on the way down, and "Rushdie for peace" on the way out, the band presents an all-star salute to little girls in pretty boxes.
[Who Owns]
Higher, faster, stronger, cuter. It seems that everyone's favorite munchkin from the 1996 Olympics, the eternally prepubescent gymnast Dominique Moceanu, is all grown up now. She recently petitioned to be recognized as an adult, and plans to sue her tyrannical parents, who have been living like parasites off of her for the past few years. She has run away from home and is now staying at a different friend's house every night. Unfortunately, all of Dominique's friends are reclusive 43 year-old men who own an awful lot of video equipment. Dominique's father, who is a Romanian troll, moved many years ago to Houston, Texas, where he lives with his family under a bridge, and spends his time yelling things at passersby, and eating a traditional troll diet of dead mice and stray cats. He could not be reached for comment, as he has killed and eaten all reporters; however, sources close to the Moceanu clan suggest that this has been the most difficult time for the family since the Billy Goat incident of 1993. The band now forms a troll and plays, "I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come Out Of Your Room Until You Eat That Entire Cat, Young Lady!"
[Knocking]
Meanwhile, cute little Dominique was last seen wearing shades and a leather jacket that had "Cool Dude" written across the back, and has begun riding a motorcycle, listening to rock 'n' roll, and eating chocolate. She said she planned to move into Jennifer Capriati's house, where she will begin her inevitable slide into a life of crime and addiction. Said Dominique, "Right now, I'm only taking a few prescription painkillers a day, but I'm already improving. Jennifer is the best. She's really been working with me on my tolerance. I know I've got a lot to learn, but I think, in a few years, I can be robbing convenience stores and making soft porn on Cinemax. I really think I can do it." The band now forms a syringe and plays Abba's classic, "Take a Chance on Heroin."
[Take a Chance On Me]
Please rise as the band plays our alma mater and yours, Sans Souci
[form lines, play Sans Souci]