1998-11-07 - Dartmouth
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, animal companions; back despite popular demand, it^Òs the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - utilizing the figure four leg-lock
J. Andrew Weir - getting his opponent in the Boston Crab
and J. the Body Ventura - governing by rule of law
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to the utterly barren, windswept plain of Memorial Stadium in Hangover, New Hampshire, which the area's yak farmers graciously turn over once a week for college football, where we're sure the Lions will take advantage of Dartmouth like a New Hampshirite in the big city, the Dartmouth football team will have no more success than a fraternity member fending off a sexual harassment suit, and the city of Hanover will once again contain more brainpower than any place in New Hampshire except the state spelling bee.
[Who Owns]
The longtime rivalry between the states of New Hampshire and Minnesota escalated this week as former professional wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura won election as governor of Minnesota, sending a "Rude Awakening" to Hubert Humphery. According to campaign manager Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Ventura's victory was due largely to his promise to throw politics as usual into the turnbuckle and punch it repeatedly while the audience counts to 10. Jesse described it as the greatest moment of his life since his appearance on the classic television show, "Small Wonder." Now it would seem that New Hampshire has fallen behind in the battle of very, very cold states, leading to speculation that the state would nominate either Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake or "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiasi for its own governorship. But perhaps Minnesota is really not so different from New Hampshire. After all, while Jesse "The Body" Ventura had much perspiration in Speedo while wrestling, New Hampshire has Senator Dick Swett. The band now forms a New Hampshire senator and plays something.
[Knocking]
Half Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and flying cars, back despite Dick van Dyke in the role of a lifetime, it's the Chittiest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Fine Four Fendered Friend.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. It's the Child Catcher - run for your life!
J. Carackitus Potts - what a nut!
and J. Truly Scrumptious - truly scrumptious
[fanfare]
as well as Dartmouth fans on their way to the restrooms, Columbia fans lost and slowly freezing to death somewhere in the wilds of New England, and the rest of you not paying attention anyway, the band presents an all-star salute to self-indulgence.
[Who Owns]
All the hoopla surrounding McDonald's promotion of the 30th anniversary of the Big Mac has obscured for many Americans the real reason we should remember the year 1968: the release of the classic movie, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," or "CCBB" to its legions of adoring fans, marked the climax of the genre of the flying car musical which had dominated American cinema for much of the preceding decade. Although Chitty utilized the familiar elements of the genre, such as the candy whistle; the lovably crazy inventor who is American but has parents and children who are British; the equally crazy grandfather who is kept locked in a shed out back; and the evil child catcher whose mission it was to kill all children; this movie arranged them in such a surprising and rewarding fashion as to recall classical Greek tragedy. Alexander Dubcek himself would later claim that the Prague Spring of 1968 would hardly have been imaginable without this movie. Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you! The band now forms a talking car and plays Sing Sing Sing.
[Sing Sing Sing]
The band would like to apologize for the previous segment of the script, which may have confused and frustrated listeners who are unfamiliar with obscure 1960's Hollywood musicals such as "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." However, there is an explanation. According to recent scientific studies, there is only so much Ivy League football a person can watch before he or she begins to see a life of substance abuse as a viable alternative, perhaps even the only logical choice. The preceding joke was the inevitable result of such prolonged exposure. Please note that the band does not endorse the use of any controlled substances; we are simply victims of our station in life. Parents, please talk to your children about illegal drug use. Although the occasional football game is unlikely to cause any lasting harm, make sure your child experiences Ivy League sports under parental supervision and in moderation. Thank you. The band now forms a sorry state of affairs and plays, "Oh Sweet _____ of Mine."
[Sweet Child]