1999-09-18 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, Harvard alums, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Warren Beatty running for president
J. Donald Trump running for president
and J. the American people running for cover
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to strikingly symmetrical Soldier Field in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where we're sure the score will be as high as a young George W. Bush, Harvard will be as embarrassed as the day they gave Alan Keyes a Ph. D., and the Crimson offens e will pick up as much momentum as a Lamar Alexander presidential campaign.
[Who Owns]
Last night, a group of Columbia band members were scouring Cambridge for a healthy fruit pie snack. We were on the brink of despair when we came upon the "Frugi," a delicious snack invented by recent Harvard grad Thong Q. Le. A man claiming to be Harvar d Dean of Arts and Sciences Jeremy Knowles ushered us into a small room and sat us down at a circular table on which sat a pile of Frugies. This reminded us greatly of a local New York treat known as the "Ratty," which is basically the same as the Frugi, but contains chunks of rat rather than fruit. We must say that the Frugies were delicious and we're sure they'll sell well, although we learned this morning that we had actually been eating "Hash Frugies," and that the Frugies available for general cons umption will not contain illegal drugs of any kind. The band now forms a frugi and plays, Sweet Healthy Fruit Snack of Mine.
[Frugi]
Half Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and extermination specialists: back despite that itching sensation on your arms and legs, it's the most encephalitis-bearing band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Killer Mosquitoes.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Hurricane Bret - pretty good
J. Hurricane Dennis - merely okay
andJ. Hurricane Floyd - now that was a hurricane, folks. That was a hurricane.
[fanfare]
as well as left arms on the way in, left arms on the way out, and the band turning itself around, this is what it's all about:
[Who Owns]
It seems that in the wake of the terrible earthquake in Turkey and the violence in East Timor, our friends in Russia are feeling a little jealous of being out of the world disaster sweepstakes. The ruble hasn't been devalued in over six months. No one's accidentally set off a nuclear bomb in Belarus. The Russians seem to be feeling jilted by their disaster-prone peers, and now they've taken to blowing up their own buildings. Supposedly, fundamentalist Islamic terrorists are to blame, but it is the ban d's opinion that Russian-on-Russian crime is devastating the nation. A State Department employee agreed, saying, "The Russians are starved for attention. We believe they are actually inventing provinces in their country for the sole purpose of having th em rebel. I mean, sure, I'll buy Chechnya, but I've been working here for 15 years, and damned if I'd heard of Dagestan until last week." In the words of Russian expatriate Nikolai Volkov, "Hulk Hogan, I will crush you at Wrestlemania III." The band now forms Dagestan and plays " ."
[form question mark, play ]
The band has always thought that there should be more mixing between Class 4 hurricanes and the Miss America pageant. In past years, the closest most Miss America contestants ever came to a hurricane was in their dalliances with University of Miami quart erback Vinny Testaverde (alternately, the brand of malt liquor favored by the winos of Atlantic City). This year, however, Hurricane Floyd nearly turned the festivities into a wet evening gown contest. Pageant organizer Robert Beck was excited by the po ssibilities. He said, "Normally, we only get to see much of the contestants' bodies in the swimsuit competition. The hurricane could have provided us with a whole new opportunity to make American women feel insecure about their bodies. That's what make s this pageant great." Floyd, ironically, blamed his violent tendencies on a poor home life, including a mother who abandoned him at an early age. "If only I'd had a nice girl like Miss Ohio as my mother, I might never have turned out the way I did. Wh y, oh why, do I do these terrible things?" The band now forms a hurricane and plays "Livin' on the hopes and dreams of little midwesteern girls everywhere."
[Prayer]