1999-09-25 - Towson
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Ashtarte, the fiery god of the new scoreboard, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
Bob Barker from "The Price is Right" under the knife
The Lovely Janis under Bob Barker
and Rod Roddy under the influence
[fanfare]
The band welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Towson offense will be weaker than Bob Barker, Bob Barker will be get ting better soon, and the Lions will be neither spayed nor neutered.
[Who Owns]
It seems that the recent torrential rains on campus resulted in floods in the office of Columbia Dean Kathryn Yatrakis. Apparently, Dean Yatrakis was informed that her office would be ready soon and she would have to spend a few days working in a tempora ry aluminum office building. She was then told to take a seat in a large room while her transaction was processed, but all the seats were already taken and she had to sit on a radiator. The ordeal dragged on for weeks as Yatrakis was transferred from on e room to another. She even spent some time in a small room in Wien in which her neighbors made all sorts of noises that "sounded obscene." At long last, after three months, she was consigned to an office smaller than her old one, which she had to share with three other deans. Then she woke up in her spacious office in Hamilton and realized it was all a dream. The band, glad that such things don't happen in the real world, forms a McBain double and plays "Shaft."
[Shaft]
Please rise as Randall Allsup, director of Columbia bands, conducts the playing of our national anthem.
[Banner]
Half Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and fraternity members, back despite missing out on rush week again, it's the most ignored band in the world, the Columbia University Marching No Hazing Policy.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - head manager
J. Rachale Miller - drum major
And J. Randall Allsup - hell-week coordinator
[fanfare]
as well as Lion Pride rising like the cost of a Lion Pride card, and Columbia students putting the "blasted" in Baker Blast, the band presents an all star salute to living the good life, or at least the High Life.
[Who Owns]
While Columbia students were away for the summer, our brand new student center, Lerner Hall, was finished, redefining the term "student center," as well as the term "finished." Lerner gained the architectural distinction of being the first building ever to undergo renovation before it actually opened for business. Lerner became a true microcosm of New York City, "the city that closes at midnight." On the bright side, Columbia finally has a place suitable for filming futuristic rollerblading movies. Ho wever, several students had to be taken to the hospital after being injured in a recent light saber battle at Lerner. The band now forms a light saber and plays, "Secret Jedi Man."
[Secret Agent Man]
In other news, the new neighborhood diner "Deluxe" also opened for business, filling the place of the old College Inn, which had to be removed to make space for an empty building for 2 years. Deluxe has the same owners as Le Monde, but it's a little less upscale. Instead of escargot, Deluxe serves "snails 'n' chips." The prices are higher than at College Inn, but the owners promise that the food will be edible, and even sanitary at times. So far, after about nine hours open for business, the restauran t has had no reported cases of salmonella, breaking Tom's record by 3 and a half hours. Tom's said it wasn't a fair comparison, on the grounds that the waitstaff at Deluxe wash their hands after using the restrooms. The band now forms a $12 milkshake and plays "The Final Countdown to Bankruptcy."
[Final Countdown]
Please rise for the playing of the Columbia alma mater, "Sans Souci."
[Sans Souci]