1999-10-09 - Bucknell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Bucknell fans: back despite popular demand, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - head manager
J. Rachale Miller - drum major
and J. Randall Allsup - sexy
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Lions will feast today on tasty, nutritious bison burger, the Bucknell touchdowns will be more rare than a tasty, nutritious bison burger, and Bucknell’s chance of winning will be less than that of finding a buffalo in the middle of Pennsylvania.
[Who Owns]
Today’s game against Bucknell, after last Saturday’s contest with Lehigh, made the band curious: has anyone conclusively proven that Bucknell, Lehigh, and Lafayette are not actually all the same school? Is there really a need for three Patriot League schools in rural Pennsylvania? How many people really want to go to school 200 miles away from the nearest overpriced cappuccino? Perhaps they’re all the same school, but three different football teams. After all, in the region that produced Johnny Unitas, Joe Namath and Dan Marino, there must be thousands of corn-fed young boys who dream only of playing scholarship-free division I-AA football. And who are we to deny their wishes? The band now forms a corn-fed young boy and plays, “Feels Like the First Time.”
[Feels Like the First Time]
Please rise as Columbia Marching Band director Randall Allsup conducts the playing of our national anthem.
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and car salesmen: back despite the lowest prices of the year, it’s the most annoying band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Toyota-thon.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Mazda - tepid
J. Nissan - lukewarm
and J. Toyota - hot, hot, hot!
[fanfare]
as well as tail-ripping on the rise, headlocks growing more frequent, and mascot-abuse laws badly needed, the band presents an all-star salute to Ken the Lion, the toughest mascot in upper Manhattan.
[Who Owns]
The band was intrigued by Columbia Class of 2000 president Charles Saliba’s suggestion of using the money from the class gift fund to place plaques honoring famous Columbians on the doors of the rooms where they lived as undergrads. According to Christine Sullivan, who lives in Allen Ginsberg’s old room in Furnald, if you sit in just the right spot, you can actually see the best minds of your generation destroyed by madness. We suggested that Christine should take it a step further and actually dress and live like Ginsberg. She was excited by the idea until she found out how seldom she would be allowed to bathe. In case Saliba’s idea doesn’t pan out, we suggest that the class of 2000 spend the money on building the largest Venetian blinds in North America, to match the giant glass wall of Lerner, for style as well as privacy. The band forms Venetian blinds and plays “Goldfinger—for Interior Design”
[Goldfinger]
We are all proud of our brand new scoreboard, which looks so dignified in the end zone and dares you to come up with a Columbia logo it can’t rotate. But recently the band found out that the scoreboard has been accused of sexual harassment. Apparently the scoreboard made unwanted advances on the baseball scoreboard, allegedly offering to “show you my jumbo-tron.” We were shocked by the accusations, but the old scoreboard wasn’t. “I’ve been reduced to begging for work. I’ve even done Ultimate Frisbee games, just to make ends meet. And it’s all because of that aggressive brute.” We asked the new scoreboard for comment, but it would only say, “Get Funky! Go Lions! Get Funky! Go Lions!” The band now forms an overly aggressive scoreboard and plays “Rotating Wizard.”
[Pinball Wizard]
Please rise for the playing of Columbia’s alma mater, “Sans Souci.”
[Sans Souci]