1999-10-16 - Penn
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Quakers of all stripes, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - head manager
J. Rachale Miller - drum major
and J. Randall Allsup - the right band director now
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will beat the Quakers into passive resistance, Penn will be less popular on campus than a return to modesty, and the Columbia lead will be as comfortable as the 100% cotton t-shirts available for sale from the band in section G.
[Who Owns]
The band was pleased to learn of a brand new hotel that opened on Penn's campus in West Philadelphia, called the "Inn at Penn." You may be familiar with the name, since it also refers to what happens to everyone who applies to Penn: in at Penn. It's tec hnically a bed and breakfast, but the hotel hopes to save money on people who are killed during the course of the night and can't collect their free breakfast. Apparently, this is the first step in building a hotel school at Penn, part of the university' s endeavor to raise its academic reputation to that of Cornell. The band applauds Penn's efforts to catch up with the bottom half of the Ivy League, forms a Philadelphia bed and breakfast and plays "Sweet Crime-Ridden Neighborhood of Mine."
[Sweet Child]
Half Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and brand new Columbia trustee Roone Arledge, back despite severe time constraints, it's the most truncated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching.
[fanfare]
featuring the dance team dancing, the team of the 90's being honored, and rabid dogs ready to chase us off the field if we stay too long, the band presents an all-star salute to promptness.
[Who Owns]
The financial world was abuzz this week with news of the merger between MCI WorldCom and Sprint. The band was mostly interested in watching the further inevitable decline in the career of Candace Bergen, who seems to be out of a job as Sprint spokeswoman . The band suggests that Bergen enter the fast-paced world of adult diaper commercials, or perhaps get it over with and make the inevitable switch to a porn career. At least she's better off than Ed O'Neill of "Married...With Children" fame, who in a cruel twist of fate recently took a job selling women's shoes in a mall near Chicago. The band now forms a gun, with which we will shoot this bunny rabbit if you don't switch phone companies by the time we finish playing "Goldfinger."
[Goldfinger]
Please rise for the playing of Columbia's alma mater, "Sans Souci."
[Sans Souci]