1999-10-23 - Yale
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Handsome Dan: back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - Head Manager
J. Rachale Miller - Drum Major
And J. Randall Allsup - swimmin in women with their own condominiums
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will have more explosive action than the movie "Double Jeopardy," the Ya le offense will be as predictable as "Three To Tango," and the band will be John Malkovich.
[Who Owns]
The band joins the rest of the Columbia community in its outrage over the university's inability to institute a new sexual assault policy. If you are not familiar with the old policy, it consisted mostly of a few signs declaring the area around Schermerh orn an "Assault-Free Zone." It has been almost a year since the policy expired, and the Senate committee on the subject has not even issued its report. The band demands that a subcommittee be formed to investigate the dealings of the committee, and that it should issue a lengthy and detailed report as to what is causing the delays. This subcommittee should be provided with as many undersecretaries and assistant undersecretaries as necessary. How many forms must be filled out in triplicate and notarize d before justice is done? The band now forms an assault-free zone and plays Barbie Girl.
[Barbie Girl]
Please rise as Randall Allsup, director of the marching band, conducts the playing of our national anthem.
[Banner]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and designers of the Lerner glass wall: back despite betting on which pane will be next, it's the most glass-shattering band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Result of Nickel Sulfide Inclusion.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Robert Mundell - Nobel Prize in Economics
J. Hörst Störmër - Nöbël Prïzë ïn Phÿsïcs
and J. Neal "Lenny" Kravitz - Nobel Prize in Field Goals
[fanfare]
as well as Dole dropping out, Gore dropping down, and Bush dropping acid, the band presents an all-star salute to ending crime against mascots.
[Who Owns]
The band was excited to learn that October is Crime Prevention Month, a follow-up to the wildly successful Security Awareness Week. As one student put it, "I felt that Security Awareness Week only whetted my appetite for Security Related Functions. It a lways ended too soon and left me wanting more." For those of you who may not be aware, Crime Prevention Month is the one month out of the year when the Columbia security guards focus on fighting crime, rather than giving away bicycles and making sure stu dents put the right items in the right recycling bins. James Quinn, a Columbia student working part time as a security guard, glanced up from his physics homework to say, "This job is about a lot more than swiping students into their dorms. For example, there are the times when no one needs to be swiped in. Then the job is more about sitting and waiting for the opportunity to swipe someone into a dorm. Also, during October, crime prevention," he added. The band now forms a physics book and plays, Cri me Prevention Wizard.
[Pinball Wizard]
The band is always proud of the efforts of our heroic mascot, Ken the Lion, who shines above all previous Columbia mascots like a lion among bulldogs. But we can't help but despair over recent reports that the Lion costume that Ken so proudly wears is fa lling apart. Rather than replace it with a similar design, the band suggests that Ken wear the ever popular Roary Pride costume that's used during the aforementioned Security Awareness Week. In addition to being structurally sound, Roary wears a full po lice officer uniform, which would look tough and intimidating should Ken get into any more altercations with opposing mascots or marching bands. A wayward Quaker or Tiger might be willing to mix it up with a threadbare Ken, but what if he saw a Lion in a police uniform complete with nightstick? He would surely turn and run from this Big Boss Man of Ivy League football. Furthermore, the fact that Roary Pride wears pants suggests to us at least that this lion has everything a lion should have. The band now forms a nightstick and plays Shaft.
[Shaft]