1999-11-06 - Dartmouth
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, animal companions, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[Green Acres fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - the gatekeeper
J. Rachale Miller - the keymaster
and J. Randall Allsup - Zuul
[Green Acres fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the two teams will clash like a light blue shirt with green pants, the Lions will join together to form the invincible robot Voltron, and the Big Green will leave town swearing that next time they won't let those big-city folks take advantage of them.
[Green Acres]
You may have heard that the administration at Dartmouth, the party capital of Southern New Hampshire, is forcing its infamous fraternities to go coed. Frat leaders are concerned that they will have to compromise their admissions standards, with separate funneling standards for male and female pledges. The administration replied that the fraternities have only themselves to blame, after the "Sheephook" scandal of 1995. You may be aware that the Dartmouth frat scene was the inspiration for the movie "Ani mal House," but did you know it was also the basis for the recent TNT movie "Animal Farm?" After watching the movie, one viewer was heard to say, "I don't remember this much sex in the book 'Animal Farm.'" But the band saw the swimsuit calendar from the Dartmouth chapter of Sig Ep, and we can at least say that some animals are definitely more equal than others. The band now forms a sheep and plays "Honky Tonk Animals."
[Honky Tonk Women]
Half Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and underclassmen, back despite the end of innocence, it's the most senior-filled band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Fear of the Real World.
[fanfare]
featuring, in the last home game of their college careers,
Allegra Blackburn - Dwyer super senior
Dan McCarthy - special senior
Dana Roitberg - spectacular senior
Mike Schiraldi - scintillating senior
Alan Trussell - fifth-year senior
Andrew Weir - sparkling senior
and Drew Youngren - serpentine senior
[fanfare]
as well as seniors on the way out, job offers on the way in, and administrative palms on the way out, the band presents an all-star salute to the dangers of celebrity.
In 1982, a bright young star emerged on the horizon. David Hasselhoff took control of a talking car named KITT, and television would never be the same. The same year, terrorists bombed the U. S. embassy in Lebanon, killing hundreds. In 1986, the glorio us run of "Knight Rider" came to an end. And the Challenger exploded. Three years later, Hasselhoff made his triumphant return to network TV as Mitch Buchannon on the smash hit "Baywatch." And revolution erupted all over Europe. Finally, Hasselhoff an nounced this week that he would leave "Baywatch" to play a debonair sophisticate in the new syndicated show "AKA Picasso." The news was accompanied by the untimely deaths of three athletes, two workplace shootings, and a terrible plane crash. We don't k now what's going on, but clearly there are forces at work here beyond human control. The band begs you to watch "AKA Picasso," no matter how terrible it turns out to be. Hundreds of innocent lives are at stake. The band now forms KITT and plays, "Secre t Talking Car."
[Secret Agent Man]
Scientists are growing increasingly worried about dangerous particles emanating from the dying star that is the "Spice Girls." "By now, we would expect that the Spice Girls would be something like a black hole. The individual Spices would be drawn like so many Tonya Hardings into the hole, never to be heard from again," said noted physicist and E! network commentator Alfred Dawe. "But miraculously, some of them seem to have escaped the Schwartzchild radius and are releasing highly radioactive and extremely danceable singles." Some now believe that it is only a matter of time before Baby Spice releases an entire album, which would be considered an extinction level event. "We have been colliding pop megastars together at incredibly high speeds in the h ope of finding an answer. But at this point, I have my doubts that we can learn anything more from slamming Master P and the Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corrigan together again. Asked for comment, Geri Hallwell said, "My new album just went plutonium." Th e band now forms a radioactive celebrity and plays "Sweet Grammy O' Mine."
[Sweet Child]