1999-11-13 - Cornell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and quaint counrty folk, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Allegra Blackburn-Dwyer - head manager
J. Rachale Miller - drum major
and J. Randall Allsup - six-year-old groupie
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to gorge-tastic New York A & M University, where we're sure the Lions will chew up the Big Red-and have the freshest breath in the Ivy League, Cornell will sell its land to Columbia for $24 worth of beads, and the band will learn that if you don't have newly starched underwear, you're not supporting the team properly.
[Who Owns]
Recently a federal judge, Thomas Jackson, ruled that the Microsoft Corporation was operating a monopoly. For you hayseeds, a computer is a glowing box that tells you when it's time to milk the cows and bring in the sheep. This is not to be confused with a regular box, which only glows and tells you what to do when you've been hitting the moonshine a little too hard. In particular, the judge objected to Microsoft's practice of giving away its web browser in an attempt to drive its competitor Netscape out of business, as well as the company's tactic of sending representatives to schools to give poisoned candy to children who used Netscape. As part of a settlement that Microsoft will likely make with the government, the company will have to pay for public service announcements urging parents to warn their children of the dangers of using Microsoft products. Asked for comment, Bill Gates said, "The first one's free, kids." The band now forms a monopoly and plays "Feels Like Unfair Trade Practices."
[Feels Like the First Time]
Half time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and illiterate yokels, back despite our deep depression over our failure to march in straight lines, it's the only surreal band in the Ivy League, the Columbia University Melting Clocks.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Poet, English - Pound, Ezra
J. the Cornell band - founded by Ezra and
J. the Columbia band - better than Ezra.
[fanfare]
as well as the Columbia band not marching very well, the Cornell band marching in extremely straight lines, and the Columbia band maintaining its dignity, the band presents an all-star salute to good pets going bad.
[Who Owns]
We in the band were a bit perturbed by how far we had to go to get to your fine hotel school. While sitting in our posh New York apartments, we made some calculations. It had taken us about a half an hour to get to New Jersey, and that was an entirely n ew state. We figured Cornell was in the area north of the Bronx but south of Canada, perhaps around 350th St. To our horror, it turned out that we would have had to change trains 17 times to get to your school. We were okay with an 8 hour drive to Ithaca, but we didn't think we'd have to outwit that Cyclops, and we never thought we'd have to tell a highway patrolman, "I swear, officer, I didn't know those cattle belonged to the wrathful Sun god Helios." And if the weather had been like this when Odyss eus got back to Ithaca, he would have turned the car right around and headed back to Troy. The band now forms an angry sun god and plays Sweet Cows o' Mine.
[Sweet Child]
Even though we don't live in the land where the Fox show, "When Good Pets Go Bad," is a serious public service message, we technically live in the same state as you cheese-makers. So we thought that perhaps we could engage in a political discussion with y ou farm-dwelling types concerning the upcoming Senate election between Hillary "Frying Pan" Clinton and Rudy "Fire" Giuliani. We think it is a difficult choice, and President Clinton empathized, saying that he would have enough trouble deciding which one he'd rather sleep with, let alone vote for. Giuliani, sporting a stylish Armani suit with a flirty pashima shawl, attributed the president's indecision to his recent diet and makeover in "Redbook" magazine. "If it's going to take me wearing shorter ski rts to win this election, I'm willing to show a little leg," said the mayor. The band now forms the lesser of two evils and plays "Secret Mayor Man."
[Secret Agent Man]