2000-09-16 - Fordham
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Fidel Castro, back despite getting Bill Clinton’s cooties, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Head Manager
J. Rachale Miller - Drum Major
and J. Randal Allsup - Hardly sufficient
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Rams will eat the turf, the Lions will eat the Rams, and the muggers will eat us all as soon as the sun goes down.
[Band plays Who Owns…]
You may have heard of Fidel Castro’s recent appearance on the Upper West Side at Riverside Church. But it is little known that Castro ALSO attended a summit with Columbia’s own Dean Yatrakis on urban housing in the third world… in Wien, where both figures agreed to support each other’s totalitarian regimes. Yatrakis asked Castro if he would head Columbia’s hotly-contested ethnic studies program, as one of the few candidates radical enough to satisfy the militant leftist campers on the lawn. In return, Yatrakis said that Columbia could help embargo-ravaged Cuba out with its technological inadequacy by loaning it… the Sundial. Castro and Yatrakis became so close over their short summit that afterwards they went out for a drink at the newly opened Tealuxe. Delighted with his minty Earl Grey, Castro declared it ‘simply intoxicating,’ to which Yatrakis responded by banning it in all first-year dorms. Enraged, Columbia’s Communist proletariat rose from the back of the second floor of Wien and marched all the way across the lounge to the computer lab before collectively stopping to check their email. The Band now forms class warfare and plays Sweet Commie of Mine….
Please rise as our band director, Randal Allsup, conducts the Star Spangled Banner.
[Band plays Banner]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Christians of all types, back despite eternal damnation, it’s the most heretical band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Zorastrians.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Cristus - joining God
J. Nietzche - ignoring God
and J. Chaplain Davis - fearing God
[fanfare]
as well as Al Gore’s popularity on the way up, George Bush’s ethics on the way down, and Ralph Nader supporting legalized marijuana, the Band presents an all star salute to capitalist domination and free hashish.
[Band plays Who Owns]
Tonight, Columbia welcomes Fordham University, a school that follows a proud Jesuit legacy that has educated such noted "intellectuals" as Rene Descartes, James Joyce, …and Captain Kangaroo. Fordham evidently remains in God’s good graces despite the fact that its mascot, a ram, is a well-known pagan symbol. When questioned, a Fordham representative pointed out that the ram was certainly an improvement over the former mascot, a golden calf. Continuing in the Jesuit tradition of petitioning God’s aid… in vain, Fordham sacrificed last year’s football season in exchange for God’s obliteration of Columbia’s Chaplain Davis. God burned a hole clear through the roof of Earl Hall in his attempt on her life, but fortunately the endeavor failed as she escaped unharmed, her begonias bearing the brunt of God’s wrath.
The band now forms Fordham’s football team and plays "Living on a Prayer."
[Band kneels(?), amorph plays Prayer]
This past week, OPEC has agreed to increase the amount of oil it produces, in hopes of easing gas prices, as well as further melting the polar ice cap. The drop in oil prices is predicted to further the development of new cars, allowing for even larger SUV vehicles to take the road. The first of these will be coming from Ford, which announced yesterday its purchase of one third of the Russian military. A spokesman for the car company said that "this merger will allow Ford to combine its commercial base with the engineering genius of the Russian armed forces to produce the next generation of SUVs." He then unveiled plans for the Ford Eviscerator T-121, " a powerful vehicle capable of handling any situation, whether it’s battling traffic on the LI Expressway or combating guerillas in Chechnya." Columbia, a partner with the Ford-owned Volvo company, fully supports this capitalist and military takeover. George Rupp has already placed a pre-order for the new Volvo, which will include side-air bags and a child proof torpedo shaft.
The band now forms a torpedo and plays the only other song it knows... Sweet Dreams.
[Band plays Sweet Dreams]