2000-09-30 - Princeton
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Carson Daly, back despite MTV world dominance, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Mandy Moore fan club.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - 98 degrees fan
J. Rachale Miller - ‘NSYNC fan
and J. Randall Alsup - The REAL Slim Shady
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Lions will dine on indigenous New Jersey tiger meat, the Tigers will be mighty tasty, and the score will be as high as audience turnout in a Vanilla Ice concert.
[Band plays Who Owns]
Under normal circumstances, our pre-game show is devoted to comedic and musical relief. However, due to the discovery of our involvement in the riot of ‘68, the Ethnic Studies strike, the defections in Hamilton, and the failure to actually take our audience underground for the Underground Tour, the marching band is required to devote this time to give a mandatory public service announcement.
Last week, New York mayor Rudi Guilianni declared the month of September, "Prostate Cancer Awareness month," committing funds to education on the topic of prostate cancer. What his program fails to do, however, is teach men how to check themselves for prostate cancer, resulting in several unfortunate incidences that ended up in the emergency room. To rectify this error, the Band will now assist male audience members in self-examination of the prostate. Rubbers gloves and KY jelly will be passed out shortly; please follow the Band’s lead as they perform a self-examination while playing "Sweet Rectal Mishap of Mine."
[play Sweet Child]
Please rise as our music director, Randall Allsup conducts the Star Spangled Banner.
[play SSP]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Gnutella fans, back despite our moral, ethical, and legal obligation to prevent copyright infringement, it's the most downloaded band in the world, the Columbia University Marching controversy over nothing much at all.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Metallica - Yosemite Sam
J. Dr. Dre - Elmer Fudd
and J. Napster - That Waskly Wabbit
[fanfare]
as well as the popularity of mp3s on the way up, the amount of honestly bought music on the way down, and has-been pop stars determined to take blooming, successful internet companies down with them, the band presents an all star salute to Columbia’s freedom of speech policy
[Band plays Who Owns New York]
The band has unfortunately gotten in trouble with certain world powers when Dean Yatrackis, Chaplain Davis, crusty cold-war relic Fidel Castro, and God were all insulted by our last script. While all aforementioned parties have voiced their displeasure, God has actually written a letter to President George Rupp, asking him to deny students access to any of the band’s shows and performances. Rupp grudgingly refused to completely grant the request, saying that Columbia has a "free band" usage policy that provides uncensored access to all obnoxious Marching Band acts of protest to its faculty, staff, and students. Unfortunately, the band did not get away unscathed. All members are now required to go to every single Columbia athletic event until they graduate. So, the band now shrugs its shoulders, forms a disgruntled deity, and plays "Back in court."
[Band plays Back in Black]
Princeton University has some cause for celebration this year as it has ousted Harvard as the number 1 university in rich upper-middle class white males applications, while Columbia continues to languish at number 10, even behind Penn. Of course, Columbia makes up for this with its 2 Olympic medalists. Meanwhile, Princeton’s own Olympic legacy has been curbed ever since the University put an end to its infamous "Nude Olympics," founded by famous resident, scientist, and closet nudist, Albert Einstein. Sophomores of the recent past and present mourn the loss of their chance run around campus butt naked in the first snow while drinking heavily, but are also strangely comforted by the fact that they now don’t have to do anything liberal during their tenure at Princeton. The band now forms a naked rocket scientist and plays "Sweet Jersy."
[Band plays Sweet Dreams]
Please rise as our music director, Randall Allsup conducts Columbia’s alma mater, Sans Souci.
[Band plays Sans Souci]