2000-10-07 - LaFayette
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and corn-fed Pennsylvanians, back despite our cosmopolitan distaste for country-folk, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Lafayette reject
J. Christine Lee - Bucknell reject
and J. Randall Allsup - Penn State’s school of clowns and acrobats reject
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the score will be as low and underhanded as the average French general, the game will be as interesting as the average Lehigh Valley town, and the Lions will leave the Leopards in average pieces strewn across the field.
[band plays who owns]
With the Sydney Olympic Celebrations now past, the world turns its eyes to Athens, location of the next Summer Games. Excitement was high at the prospect of returning the games to their city of origin as well as restoring them to their original format. Unfortunately, plans to re-invoke the glory of ancient Greece backfired when athletes balked at competing naked --all except the male gymnasts that is. Sponsors also questioned the wisdom of awarding a skilled woman of Lesbos to the winner, instead of the more recent gold medal. These obstacles, combined with the need to sacrifice 10 young men and women monthly to the Cyclops mascot of the Summer Games, have considerably dampened local enthusiasm. Despite these setbacks, though, Athens promises architecturally stunning facilities reminiscent of such famous buildings as the Parthenon, the Acropolis, and Al’s Gyro Stand. NBC, still reeling from the low ratings of the Sydney Olympics, has also hoped to improve the Athens games by adding modern touches including STEELCAGE Greco-Roman wrestling and drive-by skeet shooting. In honor of Greece’s ancient glory, the band now forms Al’s Gyro Stand and plays "Olympian man."
[Band plays Iron Man]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and presidential hopefuls, back despite wasting our vote on Ralph Nader, it’s the most patriotic band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "We’ll die before we vote for George W." band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Evergreen - stiff tree
J. Maple - stiff tree
and J. Al Gore - well, you get our point
[fanfare]
as well as political coverage on the way up, viewer tolerance on the way down and 17 million people who’d rather be watching the Fox Network, the band presents an all-star salute to planned Medicare reform.
[band plays Who Owns]
By this time, Ferris Booth Commons has managed to integrate itself into the Columbia community, hailed by fans as bringing the innovation of a European style market to the plebian ways of New York. Oddly, most European markets are not so expensive, although the long wait to pay is reminiscent of a Russian bread line, and the help is as rude as a cranky Parisian waiter. And, sadly enough, plans for a Yugoslavian section failed when angry coal miners rioted and took over the Milosevic food court. Instead, administrators are proposing to put in an Amsterdam-style hashbar. Until the marijuana gets here, one can always enjoy an all-European Bud Light- but not on dining dollars. Fortunately, Appletree announced that not only will it continue to sell alcohol to minors, it will soon accept dining dollars and meal plans. The band now forms a Eurotrashcan, and plays "Sweet hashbar of mine."
[band plays Sweet Child of Mine]
Earlier this week, during the first in a series of presidential debates, the candidates clashed on a number of important issues. Bush attacked the Clinton/Gore administration, claiming that the nation wanted a "different kind of a leader." He then presented his plans to become the first transvestite president since Garfield secretly donned a pair of ladies’ bloomers. Gore, not to be out-done, countered with a proposition to promote RU-486 awareness at Republican wife conventions everywhere. "And," he added, "Bush can’t match my 11 inch…er.. tax cut!" In response to this assertion, Bush demanded that the vice-presidential debate be replaced by an official measurement. Despite the submission of a petition signed by over 10,000 well-endowed leftists, Ralph Nader will not be permitted to participate. While this change in procedure has many traditionalists in Washington outraged, TV network executives are elated. As one Fox spokesperson said, "After all, what has more influence on the presidency; the vice president or the president’s little Willy?" In honor of presidents past, present, and future, the band now forms an 11-inch…uh… microphone and plays Election Countdown.
[band plays Final Countdown]