2000-10-21 - Dartmouth
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Jorge Herraru, back despite last night’s pep rally, it’s the pep-pep-peppiest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Lion Pride Cards.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Batman
J. Rachale Miller - Superman
and J. Randall Allsup - Evil mutant
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Lions will mow down the Big Green, the game will be as lengthy as the distance Dartmouth is to civilization, and the score will be as small as the pooled IQ of Hanover.
[who owns]
The Dartmouth Outing Club recently came under fire from the animal rights group, PETA, for including programs that promote the mistreatment and consumption of animals. "Having a Bait and Bullet club? That’s ridiculous," said one PETA member, "And what goes behind those sheep barn doors anyway?" In protest, activists plan to hold an anti-hunting rally leading up to a million-sheep march later this fall. Dartmouth officials responded angrily to these accusations, stating that they had addressed one of these problems with the formation of the support group, Zoophiles for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The university also claimed that it was reluctant to maltreat the hunting club, as it represented a long and fruitful tradition that was already compromised by the inclusion of women in the sport. Apparently this heritage includes such famous alumni as Dr. Seuss, who later used the hunting group’s activities as inspiration for his famed works, Green Eggs and Ham, Fox in Socks, and Charlton Heston’s Guide to Fishing Rods, Guns, and Arrows. In honor of Dartmouth University, the band now forms New Hampshire and plays "Back in Hell."
[Play back in black]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and George Steinbrenner, back despite selling ourselves for Series tickets, it's the most sports obsessed band in the world, The Columbia University Marching Infielders!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. New York Mets - Champions of the League
J. New York Yankees - Champions of the League
and J. The Big Green - Breakfast of Champions
[fanfare]
as well as the fans having to wait overnight to get World Series tickets, New York having to shut down in preparation for the games, and John Rocker having nothing better to do than to watch it all on TV.
[band plays Who Owns]
The band has noticed that a number of film has-beens are featured in this fall's TV lineup. Charlie Sheen has replaced Michael J. Fox on "Spin City," thus replacing an actor with a disease that forces him to take drugs with an actor who's taken enough drugs to become diseased. And with both Martin and Charlie Sheen starring on primetime shows, we wonder, "Whither Emilio?" But the most impressive appearance comes from FOX's "Ally McBeal," where Robert Downey, Jr.’s new character will compliment the heroin chic look of Ally herself by introducing her to alcohol and cocaine abuse, greatly increasing the show’s resemblance to a real law firm. The band now forms Robert Downey Jr.’s career, and plays "Enter Jail."
[Play Enter Sandman]
Tensions between rival East and West coast gangs have been high after the Nobel Prize Committee largely overlooked the Ivy League in favor of its U Cali. System rivals. Columbia professor Brian Greene denounced the microelectronic components of UC Nobel winner Herbert Kromer as "utterly whack" and accused Kroemer of "sampling his rhymes." Several drive-by particle accelerations aimed at Kroemer’s cyclotron have been linked to Ivy professor Eric "Mac 10" Kandel. Addressing the issue in a recent lecture, Kandel, the only CU Nobel recipient, said that "tha Ivy be the most chronic leaf in tha US of A" and claimed that Kroemer’s mom was so ugly that Pythagoreus wouldn’t touch her with a 5-12-13 triangle. In honor of good-natured academic rivalry the band now forms a particle accelerator and plays "Hypnotize."
[Play Venus]