2000-10-28 - Yale
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Yale alumni, back despite representing the richest 1% in the population it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to the subterranean, minty-fresh, nicely-scrubbed, sparkling, sanitary Yale Bowl where we're sure the level of play will be as charming as historic New Haven, and the score will be as close as Columbia is to picturesque Mike’s Papaya.
[Play Who Owns]
The New York Times finally admitted to devoting too much of its space to World Series coverage, after a CNN poll reported that the paper's readers knew more about conflict between Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza than they knew about the crisis in the Middle East. While reporters promised to provide more balanced coverage, the band found an article in the "Circuits" section this morning questioning if Orlando Hernandez's high leg kick and side-arm delivery are reactions to recent technology stock fluctuations. Even this weekend's "On Language" column was devoted to the nicknames of the Mets' outfielders, saying that the shortening of Timoniel to Timo belied the original meaning of the name, and was an egregious lexicographical faux pas. In honor of New York’s self-obsession the band now forms a number-seven subway train and plays "Enter Yankees."
[band plays Enter Sandman]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Shredder, back despite falling into a puddle of mutagen in the sewers of New Haven, it’s the most terratogenetic band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Ninja Turtles.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Leonardo - leads
J. Donatello - does machines
J. Raphael - cool but crude
And J. Michelangelo - a party dude
[fanfare]
as well as Pokemon on the way out, Power Rangers already gone, and Barney –uh, well, there are still some things that even we won’t touch-, the band presents an all-star salute to heroes in a half-shell.
[Play who owns]
Taco Bell officials recently apologized for allowing taco shells made with genetically engineered corn to be sold; meanwhile, FDA officials apologized for allowing Taco Bell food to be sold at all. Consumers have voiced their concerns, worried about the dire consequences of eating genetically altered food. The band personally hopes that these terrible consequences will resemble something like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes," or worse, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." But who really wouldn’t want to get to know that gnarly foursome, now that the Taco Bell Chihuahua has been put to sleep, leaving a tragic void of animal mascots that promote fast food. In honor of genetic mutants, the band now forms a taco shell and plays "Sweet chalupa of mine."
[Sweet Child]
Yale, on the other hand, has been delighted with this free use of genetics, hopeful that it will aid it’s social engineering program. The project’s masterminds plan to combine idealistic human traits with those of the platonic Eli, the pre-law major. Few were surprised when we found out that the cumulation of this project is Barbara Bush. On the other hand, New Haven residents are not overly concerned about Yale's new technology affecting their quality of life. One self-assured resident says he hasn't lost sleep over the University’s scheme, saying: "I mean, it's not like they've got Spytech." Apparently Yale’s plot has been in the works for several years, but until recent innovations in genetics, it has had to be carried out using the ancient techniques of exclusion, elitism, and snobbery. In honor of the Yale ideal, the band forms an ubermensch and plays "Back in Blond"
[play Back in Black]