2000-11-04 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and surviving members of the Kennedy clan, back despite the Bushes' ambitions to usurp the throne of America's royal family, it is the most legacyless band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Proles.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. America - Apathetic
J. Middle East - Apoplectic
and J. Ex-Lax - Diuretic
welcomes itself back to strikingly symmetrical Soldier Field in Cambridge, where we're sure the score will be as high as a Harvard philosophy major, and the Harvard Band will continue to make ritual sacrifices to its Hive Mind, the bass drum.
[Play Who Owns]
Speaking of ritual sacrifices, the Harvard Lampoon has sunken to desperate measures to regain its long-lost sense of humor. Plan A failed when Conan O'Brien refused to be decapitated for the good of the magazine. Plan B involved a human sacrifice in the class of 2001, which has the largest percentage of vestal virgins since Columbia's class of '44, but since most of this celibate population is in the Harvard University Senate, the plan went unapproved. These failures have convinced the anxious magazine to deduce that the comedy gods will only accept one offering - the missing Ibis. While it has been long believed that the bird was pilfered by a rival publication, the band has recently discovered the ugly, gory truth, in a pile of feathers behind the southwest concession stand that’s now serving an "Ibis Special." The band now forms a tasty unsolved mystery and plays "Exit Humor."
[Enter Sandman]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and upright residents of New England back despite that suspicious rash we developed after the Halloween Parade in the Village, its the most
debaucherous band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. Rachale Miller - voting for Gore
J. Angela Richardson - voting for Nader
and J. Randall Allsup - voting for Hank, the angry drunken dwarf
[fanfare]
as well as Ralph Nader's media saturation on the way up, Ezola Foster's vice presidential hopes on the way down, and 100 million citizens who will be too busy to vote on Tuesday, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to Election 2000.
[band plays who owns]
As the Clinton-Gore administration's aid to fight the drug war in Colombia is well known, eyebrows were raised when rebel FARC Marxist guerrillas endorsed Al Gore. "We applaud Bush’s use of narcotics," said the group’s spokesman, "and we see the enormous potential of having a longtime user and supporter in the White House. Unfortunately we must put real issues ahead of character and endorse Gore for president. More aid to combat drugs is absolutely necessary to maintain the delicate economic balance of FARClandia." In response, the Gore campaign attempted to affirm the V.P.'s anticommunist position by reminding the public of his time in Vietnam as a journalist where he wrote a number of important editorials encouraging the use of recyclable materials in Agent Orange delivery systems. The band now forms a rainforest leaf and plays "Back in Orange."
[play Back in Black]
In the hopes of countering GOP ads endorsing Ralph Nader, Democrats are trying to influence right-leaning voters in key "swing states" by running ads that support Pat Buchanan. The Band has found many moments in this campaign cycle surreal, but none as much as a recent campaign stop in Valley Forge, where Joe Lieberman attacked George W. Bush as being soft on the death penalty. He commented, "All this 'compassionate conservatism' is bull. Why, in Texas, George W. has only executed 66 convicts! Pat Buchanan has assured me that he'll work to triple that number!" A recent television spot pledges that Buchanan will "secure the borders" and fulfill America's manifest destiny by immediate preemptive strikes on Mexico and Canada. Voter response has been tepid, as there is much concern that a Buchanan presidential victory is the seventh sign of the arrival of Armageddon. In honor of Election Day, the band now forms a B-2 Bomber and plays the theme to Dr. Strangelove.
[play Lithium]