2000-11-11 - Cornell
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, small town of Ithaca, back despite being two bus stops away from Gatlin, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Bush Man
J. Gore Mineral
and J. Regan Vegetable
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Lions’ Juicy Fruit will outlast the Big Red, and the game will be as meaningful as a Cornell degree.
[play who owns]
The NY State College of Agriculture and Life Sciences at Cornell has recently expanded its curriculum. In addition to Introduction to Horticulture, General Horticulture, and History of Horticulture, the College attempted to add an elective film class in which students were allowed to present their own films. Unfortunately it was recently removed from the curriculum due to lack of interest after students discovered that any film interpretation of Orwell’s Animal Farm was strictly forbidden. Cornell is more optimistic about a genetic engineering program specifically designed to create a chicken with 10 wings for avid KFC fans. Professors hope to eventually combine chicken DNA with lizard DNA so the desired wings will grow back when cut off. Despite the program’s optimism, the school’s new economics department voiced its concern, noting that while increased aggregate supply of the feathered friend will result in a higher nominal wage in the market, people just can’t eat that much chicken. In honor of the Agricultural College’s legacy, the band now forms a supply and demand curve and plays "Back up North."
[play Back in Black]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Jeb Bush, back despite facing 8 lawsuits regarding poll mishaps, it’s the most underhanded band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Palm Springs.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Rachale Miller going to law school
J. Elizabeth Magness going off the deep end
J. Chris Lee going to always be a trooper
and J. Jeff Senter going to hell
[fanfare]
as well as political media coverage going up, viewer tolerance going down, and election results going nowhere, the band presents an all star salute to the state of Florida.
[play who owns]
Florida garnered much national criticism when the state spent little of its cigarette company settlement money on public health programs. Instead it favored other important social causes such as highway construction. Smokers involved in the case complained that the lack of monetary support was a violation of their human rights, adding that they not only needed the cash for medical payments but also for personally monogrammed Zippo lighters. In response to these accusations, state officials finally admitted that watching laboratory monkeys attempt to test drive down the new highways was much more entertaining than studying the effects of smoking on the animals. In honor of Florida public health, the band forms a budget plan gone wrong and plays "Enter Marlborough."
[play enter sandman]
Despite electoral gridlock in Florida, George W. Bush still predicts his presidential victory as much of America still plans to flee to Sweden. We would compare Bush’s current electoral success to the wily Grecian victory over glorious Troy, and then possibly praise how the governor used his warm personality as a veritable Trojan horse, but he probably wouldn’t get it anyway. In fact, when reporters asked Bush whether or not he planned to continue his slavish devotion to bacchanals if elected president, he requested that the question be rephrased using words under three syllables. Gore, on the other hand, was eager to prove his intellect by interpreting literary allusions describing his legacy, yet the only literary commentary he could locate associated his political skill with that of the main protagonist in Dostoyevsky’s novel, The Idiot. In honor of the future of America the band now forms a very large therapy bill and plays "Lithium."
[play Lithium, goddamnit]