2000-11-18 - Brown
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown curriculum programmers, back despite including everything except anything useful, it’s the mellowest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Economic and Political Theory in Doogie Houser.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Christine Lee - Columbia Band Member
J. Christine Lee - Brown Band Member
and J. Christine Lee - Owes us an explanation
[fanfare]
Featuring President Ruth Simmons on the way in, courses other than pass/fail seminars on the way out, as well as our democracy sinking low while the Brown student body gets high, the Band now presents a half-time all-star salute to the absurdity of the American condition.
[play who owns]
College students around the nation were ecstatic when Chairman Kaga promised to resolve the electoral controversy on a special episode of Iron Chef. The show drew in record ratings as Iron Chef Al Gore and Challenger George W. Bush used their culinary skills in the Kitchen Stadium to battle for the White House. Of course, few were surprised when the secret ingredient was pork. Iron Chef Al Gore quickly gained the lead when he impressed viewers with the use of the rice cooker to underline the populist flavors of his budget plan. Challenger George W. Bush, on the other hand, suffered a few setbacks when he drank the cooking sherry intended for the Medicare fois-gras and later snorted what first appeared to be powdered sugar. During commercials, Americans expressed intense relief that the election would soon end. Most Brown students, on the other hand, stated that, while they hoped that the election would end at some eventual point, both candidates were just fine and had a right to express their individuality at their own pace. The band now breaks for commercials and plays Back After These Messages.
[play Back in Black]
After an intense hour, both competitors presented 5 dishes for the handpicked panel of judges, including famous personalities, politicians, and performers. Fortuneteller Hozoki Kozuko, after tasting the challenger's selections, claimed that it reminded her of the smell of spring in the forests of Fujiyama. Politician Ralph Nader argued that that each meal tasted the same, declaring the candidates' menu to be a direct example of cuisine of dismal choice. Charlton Heston favored Challenger Bush's presentation, saying that he’d sooner give up his .356 Magnum to some jack-booted government crony before eating Gore’s soup again. The testing went smoothly enough, despite the fact that CBS declared Al Gore the winner after only four courses. Unfortunately, things got messy when Bush accidentally set the ballots on fire when serving his plum pudding with flaming sauce, once again leaving the elective process in utter chaos. In the meantime, the band now forms the end of civilization and plays Enter Anarchy.
[play enter sandman]
{Get the fuck off the field as I get the fuck off the Bored.}