2001-09-29 - Princeton
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and aspiring Lexus owners, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Tony Soprano
J. Christine Lee - Junior Soprano
and J. Alex Munoz - Big Pussy
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to squeaky clean yet vaguely unsatisifying Princeton Stadium, where we're sure the Lions will run up the score, the Tigers will run up the exit ramps, and the alumni will run up their bar tabs.
[who owns]
Lately, Princeton police have begun heavily cracking down on underage drinking, handing out tickets for possesion of alcohol, curfew violation, and public urination. While some defend the strict approach as a good-faith effort to enforce the law, others argue that it has thrown the entire university community out of balance, as it is impossible to tolerate life at Princeton without the mind-numbing effects of alcohol. "This is outrageous," complained one Princeton graduate, "urinating and vomiting on the streets of Princeton prepared me for the public urination and vomiting that awaited me in my adult life." Yet a current Princeton senior said that the changes weren't much trouble, saying that alcohol wasn't necessary for his eating club's initation ritual. He told the band, "As long as they don't outlaw handcuffs, garden hoses, motor oil, lighter fluid, rubber chickens, domesticated pot-bellied pigs, and vibration motors exceeding 6 horsepower, the cops can do whatever they want." In honor of the city of Princeton the band now forms a pot-bellied pig and plays "Carry On My Wayward Glorified Frat Row."
[form pig, play "carry on"]
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and mafia wannabes, back despite breaking the code of omerta, it's the most made band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Waste Management Consultants.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Christie Whitman - Got the hell out of New Jersey
J. Meadow Soprano - Got the hell out of New Jersey
and J. Columbia Band - About to get the hell out of New Jersey
[fanfare]
as well as Ellen DeGeneres back in TV, Michael Jordan back in basketball, and patriotism back in style, the band nw presents an all-star gala half-time salute to two talented American women.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that famed handbag designer Monica Lewinsky has begun taking an undergraduate psychology course at Columbia. Although many have suggested that the former first intern aims to get closer to her former boss, who works blocks away from campus, the band would never stoop to such prurient speculations. Still, many were suspicious when Lewinsky, who already possesses a B.A. in psychology, claimed to be taking the course to "finish what she started," and that she was supplementing the class with a Learning Annex seminar entitled "How To Get Your Man Back - And Make Him Stay!" Still, Monica has begun to fit in at Columbia - after joining a campus sorority, she was picked as a flute soloist for the Columbia Wind Ensemble due to her superior technique. Subsequently, former President Clinton has expressed interest in playing the sax for the Ensemble, saying that he'd sit First Chair for Monica anytime. In honor of the talented population of Morningside Heights the band now forms a flute and plays "Happy Together."
[form penis, Play "Happy Together"]
Entertainment industry analysts were shocked when the box office debut of Mariah Carey's new film "Glitter" fell flat on its face like... Mariah Carey, after a fifth of Smirnoff 100. A spokesman from 20th Century Fox was shocked at the film's failure, citing the recent successes of similar movies like "Rock Star," where Mark Wahlberg pretends to be a man who wants to become a glam rocker, and "Hardball," where Keanu Reeves pretends to be a serious actor. Still, Fox has vowed to continue to develop a new movie starring P-Diddy, who plans on playing a rapper who wants to become a basketball player who wants to become a movie star who wants to become a lesbian vampire. His co-star will be Snoop Dogg, who plans on playing... stupid. In honor of today's talented performers the band now forms artistic inspiration and plays the only other song it knows... Sweet Dreams.
[Play "Sweet Dreams"]
Run Away!