2001-10-13 - Penn
Pre-Game? Halftime? (we only have half the script)
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Penn students in remedial math, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Nobel Prize for Biology
J. Christine Lee - Nobel Prize for Peace
and J. Charlie Trumpet - Nobel Prize for Industrial Erections
[fanfare]
as well as Mark Green on the way to Gracie, Columbia's Nobel streak on the way forward, and Mascot.com on the way to bankruptcy court, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to news around the Ivy League.
[who owns]
According to the Daily Pennsylvanian, the Penn campus has been plagued with numerous elevator failures lately. This has caused a huge crisis, as no Penn student or professor has been able to figure out how to get up and down without them. Things have gotten so bad that one class from Penn's nationally renowned spelling department, stuck on the second floor of a building, had to be helicoptered provisions of water, food, and cheesesteak-flavored lubricant. One Penn nursing school student claimed that the situation was quite normal, pointing out that Penn guys have always had problems with getting it up. Still, another noted that this was the first time the girls had ever had a problem with going down anywhere or anytime. In honor of this fine university the band now forms an elevator shaft and plays "I Think We're Stuck Now."
[form shaft, play alone]
Columbia made national news this week with the selection of its newest President, Lee Bollinger. But the university raised eyebrows in the selection of its head, bucking the recent trend set by Princeton and Brown, who picked women for the job. "In keeping with our goal of adherence to the Core Curriculum, we were hoping to find a dead white male," committee chair Henry King told the band, "but we were satisfied that Mr. Bollinger met 2 of the 3 criteria." Student response towards the selection has been positive. As one Columbian put it, "I appreciate the fact that Bollinger had to meet the same stringent standards that I did... rejection from Harvard." In honor of our new President the band now forms Low Library and Plays "Dead White Male Shack."
[form Low Library, Play Love Shack]
Please Rise for the Columbia College Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."
[Do that]
Run Away!