2001-10-27 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and secret society rejects, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Yankees in Five
J. Christine Lee - Yankees in Four
and J. Thomas Berman - Diamondbacks in Eight! Fight!
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we’re sure the Lions will extend their winning streak, the Bulldogs will extend their losing streak, and the fans will begin a streaking streak.
[who owns]
The sports world has been abuzz after Michael Jordan's dominant performances in NBA preseason games. Coming out of retirement from pro basketball, Jordan has likened his desire to play again to "an itch that needed to be scratched." Another former basketball great, Wilt Chamberlain, expressed similar feelings after leaving the NBA, also adding that it burned when he urinated. While sports fans are happy to see Jordan in action again, many are skeptical that the 38 year-old will be able to compete in today's NBA. The band, however, is condfident that Air Jordan will live up to his nickname, since air is precisely what he'll be gasping for. In honor of this great legend the band now forms a size-19 orthopaedic hi-top sneaker and plays "Carry On My Wayward Aging Superstar."
[form shoe, play carry on]
Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and speakers of other languages, back despite endless hours of high school spanish, it’s the most multilingual band in the world, the Columbia Daxue Marching Four Semester Punishment.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. General Tso - hen hao
J. Columbia Daxue - hen hao
and J. Yale Daxue - bu hao
[fanfare]
as well as Windows XP on the way in, the Dow on the way up, and Orenthal found innocent AGAIN, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to fear and loathing in New Haven.
[who owns]
In light of recent anthrax scares, the National Institute of Health has urged Americans not to buy up supplies of the antibiotic Cipro, advising instead that it be left for actual victims. According to the Yale Daily News, the Elis have responded with typical courage by hoarding a huge stash of the drug in their health services department. I swear to God, we're not making this up. For security purposes, some at Yale suggested that the Cipro be stored inside the Skull and Bones tomb, but the idea was scrapped due to fears that the members of the society would mistake the pills for tabs of ecstacy and eat them all. Still, Paul Genecin of Yale Health Services defended the university, claiming that the antibiotic could be used for other common Yale maladies such as syphilis, hairy palms, and generalized stupidity disorder. In honor of Yale's bravery the band now forms a Cipro tablet and plays "Goldfinger."
[form tablet, play goldfinger]
But cowardice in New Haven doesn't stop at the door to their Cipro vault. Despite the great efforts of the city of New York to get the tourism business back on its feet, the Yale band has elected to stay at home in New Haven this weekend. But their trangression against the city's economy has not gone unnoticed. The band's favorite newspaper, The New York Post, recently ran a cover featuring the Yale band and the word "WIMPS" in 80 point caps. New Yorkers agree with the paper's sentiment. "I think it's a sign of weakness," said Allan Joseph, a salesman in Brooklyn, "But I guess they've figured out that abandoned desert is more likely to be attacked than New Haven." Still, the Yale band defended its actions as rational, noting that "when an Eli is running the country we should all be running for cover." In honor of the Yale Precision Marching Band, the band now forms the New York Post masthead and play the only other song it knows, "Fantasy."
[form amorph, play fantasy]
Please rise as the band performs the Columbia College alma mater, "Sans Souci."
[do that]
RUN AWAY!