2001-11-03 - Harvard
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and war profiteers of all stripes, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Monsters Inc.
J. Christine Lee - The One
and J. James Hudspeth - Domestic Disturbance
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the en fuego Leones will reduce Harvard's winning streak to a mere Crimson stain.
[who owns]
Sociological studies have indicated that New Yorkers are having more and more sex in the wake of the September 11th attacks. Some of you in the crowd, namely the Harvard band, might be unfamiliar with this concept. Well, Dictionary.com defines sex as "sexual intercourse." It goes on to define sexual intercourse as "coitus." It goes on to define coitus as "sexual union between a male and a female." Some of you might be wondering whether sharing a graphing calculator with an MIT student counts. It doesn't. And, no, merging Harvard and Radcliffe isn't what we mean by "sexual union." Oh well, not everyone can be from New York. In honor of the city that never sleeps... alone, the band now asks the Harvard band to hand them 80 dollars under the table, forms the Empire State Building and plays "Love Skyscraper." {The night before, several Harvard Band members got ripped off for 80 bucks each in a Eighth Avenue Burger King by a man professing to sell fake IDs. -ed}
[form skyscraper, play Love Shack]
Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard geeks taking tests, back despite our withdrawl symptoms, it’s the most 25-years-to-life band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Methadone Clinic.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. New York Yankees - Governing by divine right
J. Derek Jeter - Hit a homer for your sins
and J. George W. Bush - Has a pretty good change-up
[fanfare]
as well as Election Day coming up, Lion's Court coming down, and Columbia athletics coming on strong, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to American culture.
[who owns]
Recently, the Band has taken note of the trend among musicians to attempt acting in Hollywood. The producers of Ally McBeal have recently hired Mariah Carey to appear in an upcoming episode of the show. It was apparently a cost-cutting measure, since the singer already happened to own a wide variety of revealing business suits. The same trend has appeared in the movie industry, where Michael Jackon recently shot scenes that will appear in the upcoming motion picture "Men in Black 2." The King of Pop was a perfect fit for the futuristic science-fiction flick, since he wouldn't require any makeup. The Band now forms a sequin-gloved alien and plays Fantasy.
[form amorph, play fantasy]
Recently the campus has been abuzz with news that a McDonalds franchise will replace the Tamarind Seed across the street from campus. While the general student response has been tepid, ISO members have been unexpectedly excited. "I've had these bricks and cinder blocks cluttering up my dorm room for weeks," one ISO member told the band, "now I'll finally have a place to put them!" The administration, anticipating a 'student-friendly' future has begun to integrate Mickey D's into the campus in a more 'student-friendly' way. Before plans to add a giant ball pit to the Lion's Court Cafe are enacted, they have decided first to offer the option to upgrade from manga cum laude to summa cum laude for 59 cents and to accept Ronald McDonald's request to join ADP. The band now forms the newest thing on Health Services' Express Menu, a McFlurry prostate exam, and plays the theme from Goldfinger.
[form amorph, play Goldfinger]
Please rise as the band performs the Columbia College alma mater, "Sans Souci."
[do that]
RUN AWAY!