2001-11-10 - Cornell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Teaching Assistants for Alfalfa Mechanics 101, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Head Manager
J. Christine Lee - Drum Major
and J. Guillaume Soules - Now presented in Stereo
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to gorgeous, cold, dank, and subterrean Schoelkopf Field at New York A&M University, where we're sure the Lions will chew up the Big Red without taking the wrapper off, and Cornell will continue its free fall to the bottom of the Ivy standings.
[who owns]
After the September 11th attacks, it seems that Americans are no longer interested in reality tv shows, as most have them have seen their ratings fall... as if thrown into a gorge. {rimshot} But seriously, folks, the ever-innovative MTV network has announced that it will soon premiere "The Real World: Afghanistan!" "This is the story of seven terrorists... picked to live in a cave... and duck for cover together... to find out what happens when people stop being polite... start getting real." The first episode is characterized by the common quirks of living with a roommate. Here are some highlights: "If you're going use my Grenades, ask first!!" "Fine, you keep that anti-aircraft fire down!!! I'm have to get up early tomorrow!!" And tune in next week to see if the sassy Farida dares to show her ankles on camera! In honor of cable television the band now forms a grenade and plays "Carry On My Wayward Cultural Institution."
[form pig, play "Carry On"]
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and Emmy nominees, back despite Game 7 of the World Series, it's the most dressed down band in the world, the Columbia University Marching I Can't Believe The Sopranos Lost Again.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Mayor Mike - Double or Nothing
J. Mark Green - Snake Eyes
and J. Al Sharpton - (Pre-Censor: Always Bet on Black) Always Split on Aces
[fanfare]
as well as the weather getting colder, the Twins and the Expos in the crosshairs, and Britney Spears looking promiscuous, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to losers.
[Who Owns]
Back in New York, where we come from, Cornell graduate Mark Green recently made his alma mater proud by running a campaign that collapsed like a Daihatsu on the I-81. He lost to Billionaire CEO Mike Bloomberg, who has as little experience in government as Mark has experience in winning major elections. Delusions of victory are also being enjoyed elsewhere in the world. Taliban leader Mullah Omar recently told the television station Al-Jazeera that his cause would prevail with "God, not guns." New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, however, quickly refuted Omar's claim, noting that the Yankees had both God and Mariano Rivera on their side and still couldn't even beat the Arizona Diamondbacks. In honor of God the band now forms Mariano Rivera and plays "Fantasy."
[form amorph, Play "Fantasy"]
With the NYC tourism crisis taking its toll on New York City's economy, the incoming Mayor has called for Cornell's acclaimed school of Hotel Administration to bring skilled workers to the struggling industry. "If our economy is going to rebound," Mayor-elect Bloomberg said, "we must have the best and the brightest cleaning our swimming pools, waiting our tables, and refilling our condom machines. And since we can't get the best or the brighest, we're getting Cornell grads." Cornell has decided to answer this call to duty by ordering the famed school to double the size of its faculty. Hotel School Dean David Butler, however, has reported difficulty in attracting qualified professors. "We're competing with Days Inn, Econolodge, and Motel 6," Butler noted, "all of which are institutions that are comparable in prestige to Cornell." In honor of the tourism industry, the band now forms a bed, puts a quarter in itself, and plays "Love Shack."
[form bed and shake around, Play "Love Shack"]
Run Away!