2001-11-17 - Brown
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown pottery majors, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - Likes long walks on the beach
J. Rich Lipkin - Likes picnics in the park
and J. Nelson Brand - Doesn't like any of you
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Bruins' offense will be as structured as the Brown curriculum, the Bruins defense will be as effective as the Maginot Line, and the game will be as insignificant as Rhode Island.
[who owns]
Recently it seems that Columbia President-Elect Lee Bollinger has been hitting the talk show circuit with a midweek appearance on Charlie Rose. Bollinger talked about the perks of the presidency, reporting that he was looking forward to taking over the residence, but that he was more interested in "taking over Nancy." He also added that the every sheet in the house would be blue and white as soon as he was through with them. Unfortunately, Mr. Bollinger has had less luck with other talk programs. His interview with Larry King will not be aired due to Columbia's worries that the president was just using CNN to send secret messages to Michigan students. He also backed out of the more lowbrow circuit when he found out that Maury Povich wanted to give him a makeover, Jenny Jones had a secret admirer special planned, and Jerry Springer had lined up three women who claimed to have his baby. In honor of presidential *turnover* the band now forms dirty linens and plays "Love Shack."
[form sheet with stain, play Love Shack]
Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and seniors, back despite being nowhere near 124 points, it’s the most underachieving band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Super-Seniors.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Seniors - Nostalgic
J. Parents - Proud
and J. Marching Band - Asleep
[fanfare]
as well as Harry Potter's weekend gross going up, the Taliban going down, and Yasmine Bleeth going to jail, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to American culture.
[who owns]
While teenagers around the country stand in line to get a new Gamecube or Xbox, many say that they plan on buying one of the new consoles to play the hottest new fighting game: NYPD vs FDNY - Final Conflict! Game Designer Shigeru Yoshiro has lauded his game's groundbreaking use of new technology. "We've never been able to represent a donut with 75 million polygons before," he told the band, "and don't even get me started on the realistic jelly modeling." Some gamers have said that they're anxious to figure out how to use special moves to make the firefighters morph into fire-breathing dalmatians, but game experts report that kids are most excited about playing as the tough Bernie K. with his broomhandle finishing move. In honor of our desensitized culture the band now forms an Xbox and plays Sweet Dreams.
[form Xbox, play Sweet Dreams]
The mood is somber at Brown, however, where Post-September 11th taboos have dealt a crippling blow to the campus' thriving fetish scene. "I had the leather harness and chains all ready to go for this weekend's costume ball," reports one Brown student, "But without my police cap and nightstick, I just cannot accessorize correctly! [loud sigh]" Still, Brown students report that they have a number of old standby outfits to satisfy their respective fetishes, including sailors, french maids, plumbers, transit workers, pimps, hoes, Italian pizza chefs, the Toronto Blue Jays, real estate agents, gas station attendants, the Trix rabbit, serial killers, and any number of the wild animals that live in the wilderness of Providence. In honor of wild animals the band now forms a Bruin wearing a toga and plays "Fantasy."
[form amorph, play Fantasy]
The band will now take a moment to congratulate and bid adieu to our graduating seniors. Please save your applause.
Angela "Sexy Beast" Richardson
James "Violence Omega" Hudspeth
Nelson "All The Right Gauges" Brand
Jessica "Bobbing For Freshmen" Tait
Alex "Backrub With Ulterior Motives" Munoz
Brad "The Secret Weapon" Miller
Anne "Est Bonus" Hendler
Miranda "Cookie Monster" Halvorsen
and last but anything but least, Chet "Long Dong" Ahlers.
Please rise as the band performs the Columbia College alma mater, "Sans Souci."
[do that]
RUN AWAY!