2002-09-21 - Fordham
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Fordham students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - un-indicted co-conspirator
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will seize the Liberty Cup, the fans will seize the free hot dogs, and the Rams will get rammed.
[who owns]
In news at Columbia, the shortage of student housing this year has caused many changes in our dorms. URH has not only converted the former EC hotel into freshman rooms, it's also begun other expansions that include turning the Hamilton elevator into a triple and building new suites in Lerner bathrooms complete with singles in each renovated toilet stall... for those with lucky housing numbers. But Jay Orenduff at URH recently addressed the housing crunch, stating, "Columbia is already in negotiations with local homeless to rent out their favorite sleeping spaces and cardboard boxes for those wishing to transfer, but you'll still have to wait until the spring semester." In honor of Columbia real estate the band now forms a cardboard box and plays "Living on a Prayer."
[form box, play "Living on a Prayer"]
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and the Iraqi government, back despite an upcoming invasion, it's the most biologically deadly band in the world, the Columbia University Marching weapons of mass destruction.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Saddam Hussein - Giving in
J. George Bush - Not giving up
and J. Anna Nicole Smith - Eating every thing in sight
[fanfare]
As well as the Mets' season going up in smoke, Fordham tuition going down like an altar boy, and a Fordham football team with a threat rating of a cute, neon pink, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to more Columbia news.
[Who Owns]
It looks like with more proof that Martha Stewart was engaged in insider trading, she may very well be headed for time behind bars. But we are confident, however, that as a Barnard Alum, Martha has already had ample experience in a women's prison setting. With rooming that spontaneously bursts into flames and equally rowdy female inhabitants, Barnard College has trained generations of women for life in jail In an equally surprising turn of events, it seems Columbia Student Services has given a job to Martha. Her reputation and financial instincts should improve a department plagued by poor work from less-experienced thieves. And hey, she could even add a touch of elegance to Lerner Hall by installing lovely yellow curtains to the big glass wall. In honor of our student center, the band now forms Lerner Hall in 3D and plays Mario 64.
[form very crazy looking amorph, Play "Mario 64"]
Next year's incoming freshman class can look forward to a change in the Core Curriculum's science requirement. Paralleling Lit Hum, CC, and Art Hum, Science-Hum will look at classic Western scientific discoveries such as the world being flat and how the sun revolves around
the earth. Science Hum will also explore how Western technology has made the world a better place through studies of inventions like the machine gun, the atom bomb, the hydrogen bomb, napalm, and Agent Orange. However, we suggest that savvy Columbia students employ their newfound scientific knowledge to a profitable end... in learning how to produce their own controlled substances. Unlike Lit Hum, you can finally learn a skill you can apply outside of the classroom in your daily lives. In honor of our daily lives, the band now forms Columbia's favorite plant and plays "Sweet Drugs."
[Form leaf, Play "Sweet Dreams"]
Run Away!