2002-09-28 - Princeton
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Princeton students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
and J. Andy Hao - Going to hell
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure Princeton will drop out like Bob Toricelli, the Lions will have a score as high as turnpike tolls, and the game will be as exciting as the Spectator.
[who owns]
The inauguration for President Lee Bollinger started this week with a 5k run. President Bollinger has shown how much he has grown to love Columbia by running away from campus as soon as possible. Although the investiture that followed was originally planned to be funded by university money, the choice of placing Student Serivces employees in charge of the affair resulted in a ceremony that was to be held at JJ's Place, catered by Barnard dining, and with entertainment provided by an endless string of student groups. The President's spokeswoman spoke about funding for the actual, more lavish ceremony saying, "Luckily with the increase in laundary prices and a university tax on student drug sales, we raised just enough cash. The university also apologizes to anyone offended by the inauguration." The celebrations that night came to a glorious close as security broke up the line to do keg stands with Dean Quiqley. The band now forms a keg and plays "Fantasy."
[keg, Fantasy]
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and the Donahues, back despite a week of hate mail, it's the most offensive band in the world, the Columbia University Marching self important little creatures.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. New York Times - Featuring the Band
J. US News and World Report - Featuring Columbia's declining status
and J. Princeton - Featuring a location off the expressway
[fanfare]
as well as NJ senators dropping out, Universty debt going up because of the inauguration, and Princeton tuition going down like... the stock market, the band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to academia.
[Who Owns]
This summer Princeton generated controversy as their admissions department hacked into Yale's database of admitted students "allegedly" to test the security of such a system. Princeton has always been known for its competitive admissions process, accepting students such as the super Menendez brothers, Aaron Burr who killed Columbia's own Alexander Hamilton, and that guy in your 11th grade history class who thought slavery made a lot of sense at the time. We, however, are surprised at the skill of Princetonions at hacking, don't they spend most of their time flipping through J. Crew catalogues and making fun of the homeless? The band has been under pressure this week to mock a group at Princeton that isn't catholic, but we realized the closest thing resembling minorities there were those with suntans and the three students on work-study who clean the cafeteria. The band now forms a Princeton student and plays "Super Menendez Brothers."
[amorph, SMB]
Columbia was also honored in the news this year when Student Services stole an alleged 2 million dollars from the university. It comes as a surprise that such a money funneling scheme was discovered; Student groups have been using club funding on booze for years free from detection. The scandal seems to have involved one employee channeling money through another employee who put it in an account which was then cleared by another employee who blew it all on cocaine. With the success of such financial work, Princeton has already offered the accused top jobs in their admissions office. The band now divides itself into lines with a razor blade and plays Living On A Habit.
[Lines, Prayer]
Run Away!