2002-10-19 - Penn
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Penn Students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - Holding russians hostage
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to Franklin Field in sunny, multicultural, hardworking, cheese-steak loving, yet still apocalyptic Philadelphia, where we're sure the Lions will coax the Quakers into weapons inspections, Penn Students will earn an A for coming to the game, and the nearby criminal population will appreciate the influx of defenseless people into the neighborhood.
[play "Who Owns New York"]
In order to prevent the possibility of offending anyone, the band now presents a completely sanitized pre-game show.
[Do nothing for a while. Then play No Rain.]
{Penn only gave us 2 min. for pregame -ed.}
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, back despite the existence of automotive
transportation, it's the most homesick band in the world, the
Columbia University Marching... don't worry guys, we'll be
home in a few hours.
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. George Bush - Dumb
J. North Korea - Dumber
and J. Penn Students - You see where we're going with this... oh wait, you probably don't.
[fanfare]
As well as West Philly looking the same after another year, UPenn making us nostalgic for high school, and Philadelphia making us nostalgic for New York, the band now presents and all-star halftime salute to the football team's last non-Ivy opponent for the year.
[play who owns new york]
Penn celebrated this past week after a Nobel Prize was awarded to research professor Raymond Davis. Davis surprised the university during his acceptance speech when he said, "Thank god for my million Kronor check. I can finally start working at a real school." Now, a million Kronor: that's the equivalent of one million dollars, which is roughly the amount of money it would take to get the average Penn student into Columbia. In honor of meritocracy the band now forms a donation check at plays "Love Shack."
[form check, play Love Shack]
In spite of Penn's increased prestige in the US News and World Report, the Columbia Band would like to take a moment to inform you all of its own recent brush with fame. While you guys may have upped your standing in a magazine most regularly used as toilets for animals, Columbia's band made it into the fashion and style section of the New York Times. And for those of you still working on reading comprehension, don't fret - after four years at Penn, you'll have a 50/50 shot of being able to read an entire newspaper by yourself! In honor of the future of Penn students the band now forms the classified ads* and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[form ads, play Sedated]
{was "a welfare check," pre-censor}