2002-11-02 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Yale students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - praying the band survives New Haven
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to the gleaming, subterranean, minty-fresh, sinking, sani-sealed for your protection Yale Bowl, where we're sure that the Lions will spay the Bulldogs, the scoring will be as frequent as wins by Yale, and the level of play will be as low as the morals of Columbia's students.
[who owns]
Recently, the movie Porn n' Chicken debuted on Cable TV, based on the story of the same named club at Yale. It seems a fitting name for a club based in New Haven, where pornography is the only escape for all you Yalies who can never get any real play. Oddly enough, the movie wasn't filmed at Yale but at Columbia. Although Yale was the crew's initial choice, after they took one look at New Haven, they decided to play it safe and went to Harlem. The director also realized that a sex film would take place better at Columbia instead of Yale because of our better looking student body... In honor of pornography, the band now forms a vibrator, and plays "Build me up double-d cup"
[Form penis, play Buttercup]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and the Young Republicans Club, back despite the UN Security Council, it's the most peace-keeping band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Weapons Inspectors!
[fanfare]
featuring
J Hans Blix - trix are for kids
J Donald Rumsfeld - breakfast of champions
and J Saddam Hussein - you'll never cetch me lucky charms!
[fanfare]
as well as Bush approval ratings going down like the economy, the peace process going down like an ICBM, and America's pre-eminence going to pieces, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to international affairs.
[Who Owns]
With Russian police gassing theatergoers, the Israeli coalition collapsing, and invisible flying snow monsters killing Congressmen, it seems the news has recently gone insane. Given this disturbing trend, the band wonders what could possibly be next. Soon we might see Bin Laden gaining control of the House of Representatives and Saddam Hussein sweeping every seat in the Senate. In fact, the way things are headed now, the New York Post may soon become a non-fiction publication! In honor of tabloid journalism, the band now forms Page Six and plays "Carry On My Wayward Media Outlet"
[form newspaper, play Carry On]
Anti-War protestors at Yale drew a quick and sharp response from President Bush this week as he announced that the either the UN must take action against the students or American forces would. This seems to fit into a patter of Bush's general behavior, a pattern that he no doubt learned while at Yale: both Bush and the Yale Band resort to explosives when they have nothing intelligent to say... in other words, all the time. Given Bush's military experience, the the band predicts if these actions continue, America will have its own regime change pretty soon. And now, because Columbia won't let us play the Iraqi National Anthem, the band now forms America and plays living on a prayer.
[form amorph, play Prayer]