2002-11-09 - Harvard
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
And J. Steven Reid - Losing another Senate Race
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to curvaceous, shapely, wide-open, easily-accessible and yet still...virginal Soldier's Field, where we're sure that the Lions will leave a Crimson stain in the dirt, the game will be as exciting as life on Harvard's campus and the score will be as low as Harvard's willingness to give financial aid.
[who owns]
In hopes of getting more young voters out to the polls this past week, a new organization, Rap the Vote, broadcast commercials with spokesman P. Diddy. After all, who better to serve as a role model than pistol packing rappers who spend nights drinking Cristal? But just in the way no one listens to Puffy's music, students ignored his political message as well. Following suit with the new Rap the Vote campaign, Saddam Hussein began a new Terrorize And Kill the Vote initiative. Columbia students ignored politics once again, however, when, as predicted, most forgot about voting due to the election day break and took trips to Jersey instead. In honor of political apathy, the band now forms a ballot and plays I Wanna Be Sedated.
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and the Microsoft Corporation, back despite a court ruling that allows world domination, it's the most unethical band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Monopolies!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Posh Spice - Hiding from kidnappers
J. Winona Ryder - Hiding from the police
And J. Harvard undergrads - Hiding their valuables from the Columbia Band
[fanfare]
As well as Harvard Square looking more and more like the Gaza Strip and Harvard students reminding us of Banana Republic catalogs, the band now presents an all star gala half-time salute to...crap at Harvard...and elsewhere!
At the last Harvard-Yale game, controversy arose over Harvard's continued ban on kegs at tailgating. And while we are as enthusiastic about school spirit as the Harvard band, noone can get excited about life at Cambrdige without lots of booze. Accordingly, Harvard students have found new ways to get messed up. While some resorted to early high school techniques like hiding liquor in shampoo bottles, with no booze at pre-game events, perhaps huffing gas fumes will become trendy again. Hey, it has similar effects to alcohol and can help you lose weight! In honor of Columbia's freedom, the band now forms a keg and plays Sweet Dreams.
[Keg, Dreams]
But wait! This just in! Harvard students: do not eat at dining services; the food has been mislabeled. Officials in Harvard dining services, desperate not to lose their jobs, blame the mistake on the computer system. Nice try, guys--Princeton admissions already tried that one last summer. But food's not the only thing that's mislabeled in Cambridge--Soldier's Field? Please. This place has more draft dodgers than a Clinton family reunion. But this debacle is no surprise to the Columbia Band--we've known all along that Harvard brats couldn't tell the difference between a hot dog and an ice cream bar without their mommies there to tell them. In honor of fine dining, then, the band now forms a meatball and plays 'Living On A Praline.'
[prayer]
Run Away!