2002-11-16 - Cornell
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University marching band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J Rich Lipkin - Drum Major
And J Steven Reid - Head of Homeland Security
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful bucolic bilateral urbane multicultural eleemosynary yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A Wein Stadium at baker Field, where we're sure Cornell will do as well as a Democratic senator, the score will be as high as the temperature, and the game will be as exciting as falling into a gorge.
[who owns]
Recently, it seems that Cornell's Heath Services is considering selling vibrators in order to promote sexual health. The Band thinks the Lions will have a good day, if the Big Red plays with the impotence they show off-field. Some students have met this news with sharp gasps of pleasure, while others have moaned that this will thrust Cornell down a dark hole toward sin. This titillating news has aroused an orgy of debate about whether Cornell is in fact heading down a slippery slope towards a flaccid morality. But we're sure that once this buzz reaches a climax, passions will subside and both sides will go home and take a cold shower. In honor of true friendship, the band now forms woman's best friend and plays "Fantasy"
[form woman's best friend, play Fantasy]
run away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Winona Ryder, back despite lame excuses for theft, it's the cheapest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Shoplifters!
[fanfare]
featuring
J Iraq - accepting weapons inspectors
J Columbia - accepting more kids who can afford it
And J Cornell - accepting the fact that its stuck in Ithaka
[fanfare]
As well as Eminem making Gs at the box office, Iraq losing Gs on biological weapons, and Cornell funds suffering from a poor harvest season, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to academia.
[who owns]
This week, Yale and Stanford caused controversy when the announced that their early-action admissions policies would now become non-binding. Now admissions officers at both schools can have the sick pleasure of rejecting qualified but poor students not once, but twice. For those with a shot at Yale or Stanford, it means more application essays filled with lies about familial deaths, personal bouts with disease, and how your really cool junior year English class poem was printed in the town paper. But for those of you who still want to get into college the old-fashioned
way, with your parents' money, don't worrr. Admissions officers everywhere will always need new golf clubs and presents for people they're having affairs with. In honor of the college process, the band now forms a pearl necklace and plays "Sweet Mistress of Mine"
[form circle, play 'Child"]
Controversy arose again this week in response to a wave of resignations in Columbia's PR office. But PR VP June Massell has a plan to perk up t he sagging department: at an emergency meeting at their compound 2 miles below Faculty House, Public Affairs revealed their new Wag the Band strategy. In the future, whenever Columbia is about to catch bad press, the Marching Band will be asked to say something unimaginably crass and nasty in order to steal as many headlines as possible. In doing this, Columbia's leaders have proven slightly more humane than America's leaders - after all, insulting denominations isn't quite on the same level as blowing up people who speak foreign languages. In honor of using one evil to distract from another, the band now forms a wag and plays "I'm A Believer"
[form penis, play "I'm A Believer"]
Please rise to recognize the band's 69th graduating class:
Curly "The Canadian Chile Pepper" Manes,
Michelle "Super Super Senior" Riccsuti,
Robyn "My Mom Works At Microsoft" Levinson,
Guillaume "TwinkleToes" Soules,
Marlowmaphone Schindler,
Christine "Supertramp" Lee,
Ben "Big Boner" Collins,
"Very Loud" Ajay Ranade,
Charlie "V.W.E." O'Donnell,
and Courtney "Nicely Trimmed" Gordon-Tennant.
Senior Christine "Supertramp" Lee will now lead the band in playing the Columbia College Alma Mater Sans Souci.
run away!