2002-11-24 - Brown
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Thomas Berman - Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - Protesting Divestment
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to modest, eponymous, highly purposeful, peninsular, unlocatable, and let's not forget color-coded Brown Stadium, where we're sure that the Lions will bear Brown's assault with ease, the weather will take a turn for the worse, and half the crowd will be too browned-out to notice any of it.
[who owns]
Columbia administrators are gearing up for battle this week as they prepare to contest charges from the Environmental Protection Agency that Columbia is guilty of improper handling of hazardous wastes on the Morningside Heights campus. Many students expressed outrage at the prospect of the $800,000 fine; for that much money, Columbia could afford to throw a quarter-sized reprisal of newly New Yorkified President Bollinger's inaugural extravaganza earlier this year. But speaking of our man Lee, he responded himself to the EPA's allegations: "What? This fine is utterly disproportionate to the offense! When Brown did this three years ago, you only charged them $500,000!" To honor such bold words, the band now forms a lump of toxic sludge and plays "800,000 or 6 to pay for."
[form amorph, play 25 or 6 to 4]
Run Away!
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite early admission rejections, it's the most contemporarily applicable band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Crusaders for Social Justice!
[fanfare]
featuring
J NATO - Disarming Iraq
J Red Cross - Healing homeless in Lerner
and J GRE - Too smart for Columbia cheaters
[fanfare]
as well as Vladimir Putin's translators giving up, 92 Morningside Avenue burning down, and James Bond coming out yesteday, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to this well-rounded world of ours.
[Who Owns]
The Columbia Band would now like to call attention to several anomalies on the Brown football roster, namely, several former students from the University of Arizona. These players, it seems, decided--in order to pursue their football careers--to transfer to a less academically rigorous school. Indeed, despite their acclimation to the searing climes of Arizona, these ringers have overcome several bouts of hypothermia and frostbite during the preseason to catapult Brown to prominence in the realm of Ivy sports. To give these new players time to adjust to Brown's policy of "In the classroom pass-fail, on the field passes fail," the Columbia band will now spend a minute honoring the process of team-building by forming a transfer application and playing "Gold Ringer."
[form rectangle-ish, play "Goldfinger"]
Run Away!