2003-09-27 - Bucknell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Central Pennsylvani-ites, back despite missing the season debut, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder - Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - getting booted from the Biosphere
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will dig deep, the Bison will be mistaken for buffalo, and after much carnage, we'll see who's extinct.
[who owns]
This year marks the beginning of Columbia's foray into lower education. 110th street is now the proud location of Columbia's The School, so named for generous donor Albert P. School. Although this K-8 facility was originally designed exclusively for the children of Columbia faculty, as a compromise with community leaders, Columbia has graciously decided to allow neighborhood children to attend as well... they just have to come and go through a separate entrance. Having received specific commendation from the New York Board of Education for this innovative hands on approach to teaching about class warfare, it seems The School is off to a fine start. In a recent interview, principal The Principal remarked: "Ever since our lawyers talked us out of calling it Da Bomb, our fortunes have only risen. Especially as the result of tuition." In honor of pedagogical prominence, the Band now forms an eager young mind and plays "Love Shack."
[Form omelette, play Love Shack]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Bucknell bitsy Bison, back despite a tropical hurricane, it's the sultriest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching tropisms!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Patriot - A cowboy who loves his country
J. Patriot League - The cows miss ya, country boys
and J. Patriot Act - Now the government knows about your leather whips
[fanfare]
As well as Gray Davis's career going down harder than the Galileo probe, Iran's nuclear stockpile going up faster than the heat index of France, and Barnard's college ranking going down down down into a burning ring of fire, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to far out news on local, national, and international fronts.
[Who Owns]
Over the course of the last year the Columbia administration has made clear its intentions of annexing Harlem. Asked how Columbia would deal with the problem of relocating Harlem's current residents, President Lee "Manifest Destiny" Bollinger just winked and chuckled, saying,"May I introduce you to a little idea of mine I like to call... Affirmative Action? You think I hauled my butt to the Supreme Court twice last year for the sake of scholarly caprice? Oh no, friends, tomorrow morning, every one of those Harlemites will wake up the deserving recipient of a full scholarship to the UMichigan law school. And while they enjoy their free room and board in Ann Arbor, the top of the island will be all ours!" In a salute to the tenacity of Columbia's vision for the future, the Marching Band now iconographically represents the sun never setting on the Columbianna Empire and plays "Fantasy"
[form an abstract of the British House of Commons circa early 18th century, play Fantasy]
It seems recently that controversial feminist Catharine MacKinnon spoke at Bucknell. The Marching Band would like to congratulate Bucknell on the happy consequences of a visit by this particular philosopher: If all sex is rape, as MacKinnon asserts, Bucknell will surely be designated a rape free zone. But we in the Marching Band are not sure we can fully accept the logic of MacKinnon's argument; as only an optional text on the Contemporary Civilizations syllabus, how right could she possibly be? Now, Plato's vision of selective breeding and male on male pedophilia... THAT'S philosophy. In honor of 'no' really meaning 'yes,' the band now forms a pair of handcuffs and plays "Closer."
[form handcuffs, play Closer, Lizzie blows her rape whistle]
Run Away!