2003-10-04 - Princeton
Pre-game
{NOTE: some idiot in the Princeton pressbox left the music running for much of our pre-game show--see below}
Ladies and Gentlemen, and country club founders, back despite Princeton's new athletic discipline standards, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder - Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - pulling ahead of Gray Davis
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to Princeton Field, where we're sure that the Tigers will fail to earn their stripes, the Lions will tear up the eponymous greenery, and someday a rich Princetonite will donate his name to the field.
[who owns]
Recently, Columbia played host to a number of world statesmen. Russia's Vladimir Putin, for instance, gave a talk at Columbia in which he explained his approach to civil rights: "Whenever I must make the decisions regarding civil rights in the Russian Federatsiya, I simply ask myself, What would President Bush do? It is like license for tyranny!" But while Columbia was hob-nobbing with Putin, Princeton was getting shot down. It seems German foreign minister Joschka Fischer backed out of his Princeton engagement at the last moment, preferring to stay home and wash his hair. And let's not forget Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who spoke at Columbia on a Thursday and then at Princeton on a Friday. Got to love those sloppy seconds, huh tigers? In a later press conference President Karzai admitted to having delivered the same speech at both institutions, noting only that he toned down the vocabulary for Princeton. He also indicated his discomfort with Princeton's mandatory application of white-face makeup to all non-Aryan visitors. In a salute to Al Jolson's favorite University, the Marching Band now forms an ubermensch and plays some minstrel music.
[form horizontal penis, play Barbie Girl]
Run Away!
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and press box technicians, back despite the sabotage of our pregame show, it's the most perservering band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Eminems--and Princeton, if you pull that shiznit again you better lose yourself back across 8 Mile. {this joke was written during the second quarter, in reference to the fact that our script-reader was having to shout over Eminem during the pre-game show; in fact, the entirety of the half-time show up until the Nigeria bit bears no resembalance to the original script that the censor approved. God bless CUMB extemporaneity.}
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Detroit Tigers - Not QUITE the worst
J. Princeton Tigers - GETTING there
and J. Siegfried Tiger - Eating up the competition
[fanfare]
as well as Rush Limbaugh going up like a kite on a breezy day, Rush Limbaugh six hours later coming down hard, and Rush Limbaugh the pills help me think, ok? the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to astute radio commentary.
[Who Owns]
It seems recently that Nigeria, one of the poorest nations on Earth, has once again beaten Princeton to the punch. Despite the fact that Princeton's Gross National Product is more than one and a half million times greater than that of Nigeria, Nigeria has marshaled what meager resources it does have to send a satellite into orbit. A little known fact, however, is that the lion's share of funding for Nigeria's space program came from Princeton students duped into responding to the Nigerian e-mail scam. In retaliation for the humiliation of remaining confined to the wasted terra firma of New Jersey while Nigeria roams the heavens, Princeton promptly wasted all the food on its plate, saying (HEAVY British elitist accent, including a hard G for 'Nigerians':) "To the devil with the Nigerians--We know they're starving; we don't care." But a cold war over hot lunch can only last so long, and having soothed its ego by taking a swim in the money pit, Princeton is now ready to seek reconciliation with Nigeria. Inspired by a late night infomercial, Princeton has opted to feed a Nigerian child for 70 cents a day. The board of trustees soundly rejected the expense of a second child, however, explaining, "Noblise oblige really shouldn't involve more than loose change. Besides, we have two and a half centuries of precedent standing against giving scholarships to minorities." In honor of this courageous taming of white man's burden, the Band now iconographically represents Princeton's endowment being positively dwarfed by a Nigerian rocket, and plays "Back in Black."
[form ample rocket with "fuel cells" on either side, play Back in Black]
And now, to delay if only by a minute the misery of having to see the Princeton Band prance around in their stupid little hats and inexcusably plaid jackets, the Columbia University Marching Band offers a salute to our Alma Mater in New York, the best damn city in the world!
[form "CU," play Roar Lion Roar]
Run Away!
{Outcome: Demoralized by our cutting wit, the Princeton team promptly allows Columbia to go on a 27 point streak, followed by a tie-breaking hail mary from fifty yards. Jesus fucking Christ. Columbia hadn't won an away game against Princeton since 1945. In celebration, the band plays Wipe Out for half an hour before heading home; during the ride, much toplessness ensues.}