2003-10-18 - Penn
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Penn students, back despite a Lit Hum midterm, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder - Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - Man, you'd think that for such an important game we wouldn't be stuck playing a state school
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, staunch, storied, historic, hysteric, hard-bodied, hard-bitten, hard-boiled, hand-mowed, hi-fi, illuminated, illustrious, antiquarian, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will put the weight of 250 years into their tackles, the Quakers will lack the mental acuity to understand their own play calls, and Columbia fans will once again have reason to carry the goal posts the five miles back to campus.
[who owns]
On the occasion of this birthday celebration, the Marching Band would like to reflect on the fact that Columbia over the years has had more names than Sean Combs. Founded by royal charter as King's College in 1754, the school quickly plummeted to #27 in the 1776 US News & World Report rankings, largely because of its monarchical name. The trustees, then as now on top of "what's hip with the kids" decided a more democratic name was just the ticket to remaining competitive. Thus was born The Representative Checks and Balances Federalist Separation of Powers Bicameral Guarantee of Certain Inalienable Rights Liberty Equality and Justice for All Legislative By For and Of the People Assembly College. Surprisingly enough, the ploy worked: students flocked back to this newly renamed home of liberty and freedom. Sadly, though, the excused absence forms of the returning patriots were rejected by the Deans, who considered the Revolution an extended Jewish holiday. Soon enough, however, The Representative Checks and Balances Federalist Separation of Powers Bicameral Guarantee of Certain Inalienable Rights Liberty Equality and Justice for All Legislative By For and Of the People Assembly College found it necessary to shorten its name to simply Columbia College. But here too a problem was encountered: in order to distinguish itself from the other Columbia Colleges in Missouri, South Carolina, Chicago, California, and even Canada, Columbia was forced to change its name once again, this time to Columbia University in the City of New York. For you folk from Penn, the reason why Columbia changed its name like that was because *Columbia* is a *University* in the *City* of *New York*. In honor of the perfect name for the perfect university in the perfect city, the Band now forms a perfect match and plays "Happy Together."
[Form egg and sperm, play Happy Together {actual formation = X}]
Run Away!
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Columbians of all ages, back despite the last two and a half centuries, it's the most historically significant band in the world, the Columbia University Marching alumni in training!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Alexander Hamilton - Founding Father
J. John Jay - First Chief Justice
and J. Olsen Twins - here's hoping for a Carman double!
[fanfare]
as well as the Red Sox going down like freshmen inhibitions at the West End Bar, alumni donations going up like student tensions in 1968, and Columbia expanding northward like Seth Low on speed, the band now presents an all star gala half-time birthday salute to... Barnard's 114th anniversary!
{ALTERNATE (victory scenario):}as well as the Quakers going down, the Lions up-and-coming, and the beer flowing hearty in the parking lot, the band now presents an all star gala half-time birthday salute to... Barnard's 114th anniversary!
[Who Owns]
But the Marching Band does not mean to poke fun at Barnard's youthfulness--the youth of Barnard get poked enough as it is. On the other hand, the Band cannot help wondering when someone is finally going to blow the whistle on Columbia's taking advantage of a girl less than half its age. And as long as we're talking about statue-tory rape, we know it's been a long time since you alums have seen Alma Mater, but please be considerate; after suffering a hundred years of people penetrating her robes to "find the owl," she's feeling pretty sore. In honor of blowing Alma's mind harder than the Weathermen, the Marching Band now forms Alma Mater's favorite private dick and plays it all night long.
[form a thankyou letter to Ave, who WORKED HIS ASS OFF to shorten this joke, play Theme from Shaft {actual formation: vertical penis}]
And now for some more reflection on the significance of 250 years. For one thing, Columbia is now a quarter of the way there to having its own 1000 Year Reich. In fact, given Columbia's plans for a campus in Harlem, it is only too clear that we've already begun a program of minority relocation and dispossession. And judging by the wall-sized portraits of University President Lee Bollinger in every classroom of The School on 110th street, the indoctrination of the Bollinger Youth League has already begun. The Ivy League shall crumble before Columbia's might. Princeton may be richer, Yale may be older, Dartmouth may be better acclimated to harsh climates, Penn may be... well, ok, so Penn's got nothing on us. To continue: Harvard may be higher ranked, Cornell may be more populous, and Brown may have much more experience than us at this whole brown shirt thing, but it is Columbia University in the City of New York that will be master of a new world order. And really, if it takes a totalitarian Columbia administration to get rid of those relentlessly annoying socialists on College Walk, the Marching Band is all for it. In a final salute to democracy before it goes down for the count, the Marching Band now forms an American Bald Eagle being put to sleep, and plays "Sweet Dreams."
[form the university senate in flames, play Sweet Dreams. {actual formation: that double wave shape that people draw to indicate birds at a great distance}]
And now, in a desperate attempt to raise some funds, the Marching Band shall attempt to impress you gracious alums by playing Columbia's fight songs. If it will increase the likelihood of your cutting us a check, feel free to sing along as we play "Roar Lion Roar."
[form CU, play Roar Lion Roar]
Run Away!
{Addendum regarding how much cooler we are than the Penn band: Athletics, since they're Dumb As Fuck, decided to hold an incredibly boring and painfully long half-time awards ceremony. By the time we were allowed to start our show (we were scheduled before the Penn band), things were running several minutes late. By the time we were halfway through "Sweet Dreams," there were two and a half minutes remaining before the field needed to be cleared for the game. Athletics' response to this time crunch was--rather than cutting us short so the Penn band could at least have a little bit of time--was to cut the Penn band completely out of the show. So maybe Athletics isn't so dumb after all. Oh wait. Fuck that--dumb as ever. Not as dumb as Penn, though. Who kicked our football team's ass, incidentally. Oh well; not that that matters when CUMB compared Columbia to Nazi Germany in front of 12,000 alumni on the 250th Anniversary Homecoming weekend. G(TB)2, baby, G(TB)2.}