2003-10-25 - Dartmouth
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Dartmouth students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder - Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider - Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid - f-f-fr-frozen!
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to the utterly barren, windswept plain of Memorial Stadium in Hangover, New Hampshire, where we're sure the Lions will overcome hypothermia to seize victory, the Big Green will trip over the frost-heaves in the field, and the Dartmouth Band will be even less subtle than a Dartmouth frat boy dropping tabs into the punch.
[who owns]
It seems recently that Dartmouth has stopped charging its students for long-distance calls. Good call, guys, since there's noone worth calling local. On the other hand, the Marching Band fails to see how this won't lead to rampant abuse as Dartmouth students use the University's dime to call infomercial psychics and sundry sexlines such as 1-900-Baa-aaah. In honor of not being able to know if that anonymous husky voice on the other end is really a sheep or merely a goat in drag, the Marching Band now forms a Dartmouth student with a cauliflower ear and plays "Carry On My Wayward Ewe."
[form cordless phone, play Carry On]
Run Away!
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and citizens of Florida, back despite Governor Jeb Bush forcefeeding my grandmother, it's the most partially alive band in the world, the Columbia University Marching death with dignity!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Paul Simon - on a comeback reunion tour
J. Art Garfunkel - feeling groovy again
and
J. Mrs. Robinson - back on the prowl at age eighty!
[fanfare]
as well as Freedom of Choice on the way down, Right To Life on the way up, and Roe v Wade going out like the separation of church and state, the Band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to Partial Birth Abortion.
ALTERNATE (victory scenario):
as well as the Lions coming up like Right to Lifers, the Big Green going down like Freedom of Choice, and privacy rights going out like the separation of church and state, the band now presents an all star gala halftime salute to partial-birth abortion.
[Who Owns]
It seems recently that Pope Jean Paul II, much like a Dartmouth undergrad at 4:00am on a Sunday night, is unable to avoid slurring and trailing off into silence. Unlike Dartmouth students, however, the Pope has occasional moments of lucidity. And Dartmouth students get laid even less than he does. But much as the Pope reached his highest calling 25 years ago, Dartmouth 25 years ago reached its pinnacle of cultural relevance by supplying the basis for the movie "Animal House." To honor the anniversary, His Holiness proceeded to shove an entire piece of cake into his mouth, slurped down his jello, shotgunned a beer, and--with a glimmer of hope not seen for years in his septuagenarian eyes--called for a toga party. In honor of spending tuition money on beer, the Band now forms a dollar sign and plays "Build Me Up, Buttercup."
[form 25th anniversary DVD, play Buttercup]
{the super secret double-plus awesome story of how we came across the DUMB's half-time script through a combination of brilliant espionage and btute force--thus enabling us to steal their formation and song before they took the field--goes here (unless I forget to come back and put it here, in which case the story will be lost to the winds of time and this stupid place-holder will be its only memorial)}
It seems recently that China has conquered space. But Dartmouth is not going to lose the space race quite so easily. As one determined student put it, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hehn hen, heh." But really, what interest could Dartmouth students possibly have in space? Don't they already live in a barren void? The Marching Band would accuse them of wanting to blast their rocket off inside the heavenly body of Aries the Ram, but goodness knows, they already do that right here on earth! In a salute to Dartmouth's intrepid ass-tronauts, the Marching Band now forms a celestial stable and plays "Love Shack."
[form sheep pen, play Love Shack]
Run Away!