2003-11-01 - Yale
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and four out of five dentists, back despite Halloween, it's the most candy-corn addicted band in the world, the Columbia University Marching apples with razorblades!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Danny Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
and J. Steven Reid Amazing Thailand! {note: never again shall the band go to the Village Halloween parade without packing ear plugs. God damn those Thai karaoke bastards.}
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Bulldogs will menacingly jiggle their jowels, the Lions will retaliate with a roar, and the Bulldogs will run away with their tail between their legs. Oh that’s right; they don’t HAVE tails.
[who owns]
Recently, a Columbia professor of neurology has come under fire from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for allegedly mistreating baboons in an experimental investigation of the relationship between present epistemologies and future knowledge. More specifically, PETA objected to the casting of the baboons' entrails in augury. PETA hates auguries. Fortunately, Yale University has stepped in to offer the homeless people of New Haven as a more acceptable experimental population. Now PETA can rest easy knowing that scabby children just aren't as cute as fuzzy animals. But before Yale and PETA get too cozy, let's not forget that a Yale education cannot be considered anything other than the unconscionable attempt to make a man from a monkey. But don't worry, PETA, Yale only tortures the monkeys for eight semesters... and then they get to be president. In honor of catch and release, the Band now forms a bulldog mauling an ape and plays a hit by The Monkeys.
[form scene of terrible bestiality, play I'm a Believer]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and state governors {Governor Pataki was among the audience on this fine Saturday}, back despite a spreading recall movement, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Carl McCalls!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Prescott Bush army hero
J. George Bush air force hero
and J. George W. Bush well, mommy's really proud of you
[fanfare]
as well as Alan Greenspan's optimism going up, New York's two-party system going down, and the Staten Island Ferry going full steam ahead, the Band now presents an all star gala half-time salute to shocking reversals.
[Who Owns]
It seems recently that a Yale security officer has sued the New Haven PD for hitting him with a police cruiser while they were jointly chasing a criminal. Attorneys for the defense have laughed off the charges, confident that the "I thought he was a homeless person" defense will once again prove persuasive to a jury of New Havenites. Similarly, charges of outrageous incompetence are unlikely to impress a jury that sees Yale students on a daily basis. As one community member put it, "Man, accidentally hitting a guy with a car is nothing; I once saw a member of the Yale marching band blow his own ass off with a firecracker during their half-time show." In honor of Yale pleading mental deficiency before the high court, the Marching Band forms a jury inured to charges of negligence and plays Governor Patakai's favorite song.
[form ionic column, play Closer]
This week marked an uproar as the Securities and Exchange Commission revealed that a recent two million dollar donation to Columbia's law school had been made fraudulently. The initial terms of the suit demanded that Columbia tear back down the illicitly funded renovations to Gerome Green Hall, but Law School Dean David Leebron was successfully able to repel the demolition crew with the argument that this year's quota of exploding Ivy League law schools has already been met. Satisfied with this argument, the Securities and Exchange Commission has instead decided to penalize Yale University for having an illegal monopoly on paganistic pseudo-fraternities, and has ruled that using the skull of Geronimo to attract prospective students represents unfair competition. In honor of the Enron of the Ivy League, the Band now forms good ol' Eli being Dutch-auctioned on e-Bay and uses music to cite our source for all these facts.
[form works cited page, play I Heard it Through the Grapevine]
Run Away!