2003-11-08 - Harvard
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
and
J. Steven Reid Man of the hour
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field. Harvard Stadium, of course, is celebrating its hundredth anniversary this year... Wow, that makes it just like most Harvard alums: way too old to still be a virgin. In any case, we're sure the Lions will pop Harvard's record today, leaving a Crimson stain on the turf.
[who owns]
In addition to the jobless recovery and the quagmire in Iraq, somebody had to top it off and mail anthrax to the white house. While the band knows who it is, we promised we wouldn't tell, so nyah nyah nyah. But seriously folks, the FBI slash CIA slash Homeland Security slash SS slash KGB slash USPS slash whatever the heck we have now has spent two years and change looking for the Anthrax Mailer. This most recent incident has the Band wondering, in all honesty, are you guys even trying? Really, how hard is it? Just look at the return address and send a freaking Rambo guy. Or, alternatively, find a country, assign responsibility for this terrorist activity, and change the hell out of their regime. Or, the G-men could take the advice of the Harvard Band: [make gurgling sounds]. In honor of this Mysterious Magnificent Mailman of Doom, the Band now forms an envelope and plays "Build Me Up, Buttercup, Just to Let Me Choke on Spores."
[form envelope, play Buttercup]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Virginia Pep Band, back despite any random script of ours being way more offensive than the one that got you guys kicked out, it's the most infamous band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Virginia Hillbillies!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Columbia University Marching Band The East Coast Axis of Scramble
J. Virginia Pep Band Standing up for Freedom of Scramble
and
J. Harvard Band not invited to the post-game band party
[fanfare]
as well as Paul McCartney giving birth, Luciano Pavarotti getting hitched, and Michael Jackson selling his car, the Band now presents an all star gala half-time salute to singers with totally normal personal lives.
[Who Owns]
This week marked the initial run of the third installment in the "Matrix" trilogy. Columbians of all stripes are terribly excited about seeing this movie. According to the chair of the Philosophy department, student interest in existentialism hasn't been this high since "Blade Runner" came out on DVD. More importantly, the release of this movie has deepened the relationship between CC and SEAS students, since CC students can explain Morpheus's semi-philosophical blather to their engineer friends, and the engineers can reciprocate by explaining what they've known all along: namely, that all of Morningside Heights exists only on the hard drive of Dean Zvi Galil. In honor of watching Keaneau Reeves to fulfill your science sequence, the Band now forms the Dean of the Fu Foundation packing heat and plays "Zvi Blinded Me With Science."
[spell "Z-V-I", play She Blinded Me With Science]
In other entertainment news, a pediatrician has alerted the medical community to the crushing danger of "Hogwart's Headaches"--his term for the stress headaches children get while plowing through J. K. Rowling's massive Harry Potter novels. Inspired by this Potter-ish precedent, soon enough Columbia students will start skipping Lit Hum, complaining of "Trojan Twinges" and "Oedipal Aches." Columbia Health Services is particularly concerned about a rash of what they're calling "Decameron Discomfort," which is when a freshman throws down his Boccaccio with a cry of "I didn't know you could do THAT!" and sprains his ankle while racing to Barnard for confirmation. On Harvard's campus, however, things are much more serious, since Radcliffe is way less cool than Barnard. Alas, therefore, there is no cure for the dreaded "Harvard Headache," acquired by reading much of anything while wearing too much tweed. In honor of Harvard doing whatever it takes to stop the pain, the Band now forms Ron Weasley sniffing gas and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated."
[form Potter on pot, play Sedated]
Run Away!