2003-11-15 - Cornell
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell students, back despite a 10,000 foot plummet, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
and
J. Steven Reid off picking corn
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to Super 8 Stadium at gorge-tastic New York A&M University, where we're sure the Big Red will lose its flavor in the first quarter, the Lions will chew them up anyway, and the fans will admire Columbia's fresh cinnamony breath.
[who owns]
It seems recently that the New Hampshire Supreme Court has declared that gay sex doesn’t count as adultery. The Marching Band would like to commend New Hampshire on this astute recognition of physical reality. Lesbian sex? IMPOSSIBLE! {pre-censor: "How could they? They don't have penises!"} But that aside, the Band predicts some hot times ahead in New England as this ruling interacts in unexpected and hilarious ways with the Civil Union laws of neighboring Vermont. President Bush has warmly commended New Hampshire for their exemplary defense of marriage, once again stating his firm conviction that marriage is an institution between a man and a woman with occasional and completely acceptable jaunts to the other side of the sheets. Way to go, Liberty State. In honor of a return to simpler, Victorian times back when lesbians didn't exist, the Band now forms Patrick Henry cavorting with Thomas Jefferson and plays "Happy Together."
[form NH silhouette, play some Turtles]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and hotel administrators, back despite some strangely lumpy pillows, it's the most five star band in the world, the Columbia University Marching hey! for twenty five cents the bed vibrates.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Columbia degree the finest in the land
J. Barnard degree looking good to employers
and
J. Cornell degree looking good on mom's fridge
[fanfare]
in addition to a 45 yard field goal contest, a $10,000 prize, and President Lehman puling a Lucy on Linus, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to OUR seniors rushing the field after the game.
[Who Owns]
In other news this week, Cornell is playing host to former US attorney general Janet Reno. So far Reno has given several fasacinationg lectures, and has been kicked out of a hockey game for cussing. Administrators have reluctantly allowed Ms. Reno to attend today's football game, but have warned that if she can't behave herself, she will be required to sit with the Columbia Marching Band, so that all offensiveness can be cordoned off in a single location. Because god knows, the Cornell band isn't doing much to keep this place interesting. In addition to her questionable behavior at athletic events, Ms. Reno also caused a flurry of gossip this week when her passage through the central campus caused the statues of Ezra Cornell and Andrew White to get up and shake hands. In honor of the United States continuing its fine tradition of nubile attorney generals, the Band now forms John Ashcroft taking his nukes to bed and declares "My my my i yi woo!"
[form military-industrial complex, play My Sharona]
This week has seen yet another scandal sully the dignity of the White House, as Private Jessica Lynch announced the Pentagon had made it all up. The Pentagon has vigorously denied these charges, and they have the nude pictures to prove it. Fortunately for Private Lynch, however, the ever-virtuous Larry Flynt has purchased up these indecent snapshots and has promised never to let the American public be confronted by such smut. But Flynt's cocky actions have rubbed up against public sentiment, arousing a spurt of debate. While some members of the public agree that the climactic release of these photos would be contraceptive to the erection of hard and hefty decency standards, and therefore are fully satiated by Flynt's ecstatic media gyrations, others have mounted a campaign that it's just not fair for Flynt to snatch away these photos now that they have been thrust upon the public's tumescent conscience. In any case, soon enough this engorged controversy will all blow over as the country [cunt-ry] gropes after next week's titillating news. In honor of candid war coverage by Hustler magazine, the Band now forms some standard issue military lingerie and plays "Sweet War Child of Mine."
[form bra, play Sweet Child]
Run Away!
{addendum: apparently Cornell athletics took offense at our suggestion in the first joke that lesbians might actually exist, since after our pre-game show they came over to tell us that if our halftime show were as inappropriate as our pre-game, they'd pull the plug on us immediately. Moreover, when our heroic scriptreader went up to read the half-time, Cornell's director of athletics demanded to see the script before it was performed. Now, given the string of sexual innuendo in that last joke, things looked grim. But our quick-thinking scriptreader simply didn't give him that page, and all was well. Goddam is Cornell ever dumb. And all of this was after Cornell security attempted to refuse our scriptreader access to the press box during the pre-game. Let it be said across the land: Cornell sucks.}