2003-11-22 - Brown
Pre-game
{apparently, our pre-game was completely silent. Either our idiot script-reader forgot to press the button on the microphone, or--as the press box official claims--the Brown coaches in the box turned us off to prevent us from disturbing the Brown team from warming up, since they stayed on the field ten minutes longer than they were supposed to, and were still there by the time we finally decided to storm the field anyway. I personally prefer the former explanation, since our scriptreader is a dick. I should know; I'm him. Anyway, here's what we WOULD have said:}
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Molly Sacra Drum Major pro tem
and
J. Steven Reid warming up the turkey
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Bears will fall into early hibernation, the Lions will rise above .500, and Brown fans will be able to count their attendance at today's game as an advanced colloquium.
[who owns]
This past week saw President George W Bush mosey on over to England where he is, by no stretch of the imagination, positively loathed. To avoid any public disturbance, Prime Minister Tony Blair took a cue from the Bush Administration and simply refused to allow any media covarage of Bush's arrival. As he later explained, "Much like with US casualties in Iraq, if the telly doesn't show it, nobody knows it's real." President Bush, when asked why the consequences of war are receiving such distorted media coverage, responded, "Perservere. Freedom. America. Freedom. Reelection. Freedom. But not freedom of the press." In protest of Bush's intolerable insult to the First Amendment, the Band now shows what he won't let you see on TV: the harsh realities of war, and we play "He Blinded Me With Jingoism."
[form body bag, play She Blinded Me With Science]
Run Away!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Michael Jackson, back despite {nixed: "that little liar"; actually said:} the king of pop getting even freakier, it's the most underage band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Thrillers!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Jonestown 25 years
J. JFK 40 years
and
J. Brown football 125 years
[fanfare]
as well as Britney Spears's new album getting higher in the charts than Britney got in New York, the Beatles' new album getting more naked than Britney on the cover of Esquire, and both artists busting the charts like a double D, the band now presents an all star gala half time salute to the two most brilliant musical artists in the history of recorded sound.
[Who Owns]
It seems recently that Brown researchers have discovered a link between Alzheimer's disease and herpes. The Marching Band wonders how on earth they pulled this off--finding a large experimental population suffering from herpes couldn't have been too hard at Brown, but as far as Alzheimer's goes... frankly, we can't imagine that people in Providence have anything worth remembering anyway. In a second astounding discovery to come from Brown's labs this week, a doctoral candidate has proven that basket weaving is likely to induce hand cramps. This disturbing news has led to fully half of Brown's undergraduate population changing their majors to something less dangerous, such as lap swimming or button making. Many upperclassmen are now worried that they might have to take as many as two classes for a letter grade next semester in order to graduate on time. In honor of discovering the knowledge of the world at your own Daddy-PLEASE-leave-on-the-training-wheels slow pace, the Band now forms an honors thesis on major philosophical themes in "The Hulk" and plays "Pass-failin' on a Prayer."
[form Hulk ANGRY, play Prayer]
Recently, it seems that a new Yiddish major has been approved by the Columbia Committee on Instruction. The Band supports the committee's decision, because Plato aside, THIS is critical knowledge. Where else can today's aspiring Jews learn the secret Yiddish passwords that control the world's banks and media? And no longer will the Band be in the awkward situation of getting complimented on its adorable punim and not knowing whether to smile or to adjust itself. Oy vey. We hear that Brown has a program in Yiddish too; you guys must really like that course, since it gives you an excuse to say "der" a lot. In honor of definite articles for masculine nouns, the Band now forms a gentile trying to major in Latin and plays "Build me up, Buttercup, Just to Give Me Bubke."
[Form WASP failing to understand that Latin has no articles, play "Buttercup"]
The band will now take a moment to congratulate and bid adieu to our graduating seniors. Please save your applause.
Erica "Keep On Coming" Katz
Julie "She'll Eat You" Cohn
Tom "I TOLD You Freshmen He Exists" Berman
Tiffany "strict constructionist" Christatos
Raymond "DPRP" Eckenstein
Ashley "dropped my drumstick" Kelly
Jeff "Suck" Harris
Lynn "Senioritis" Suhrie
and that's everyone, right? Ok, let's get this bus moving already. Wait, wait, who's got the bagels? Where's Deepa? Oh man, look! She's running after the bus!
Please rise as the Band performs the alma mater of Columbia College, "Sans Souci."
[Sans Souci]
Run Away!
{helluva season, band; G(TB)2}