2004-09-18 - Fordham
Pre-game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Fordham students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid on the lam
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the rams will be slaughtered by the priests of Aaron, the Lions will slay the Christians, and the game will be as invigorating as Lee Bollinger's third annual Fun-Run.
[Who Owns]
In news from across the Ivy League, it seems that the National Labor Relations Board has decided against the graduate students of Brown University. This ruling has brought great shock to Brown Students who will now be unable to unionize, in addition to already being unable to construct coherent thoughts, take classes for letter grades, or write anything but free verse poetry. Their brethren, starving atop the windy hills of Morningside, had somber hearts, as well as feeling really stupid for holding classes in Starbucks and at the West End. The band would like to wish a fond good riddance to the UAW and their drum banging, rubber rat inflating Lit Hum precepts, who must sail to foreign lands to find adequate work. We look forward to when the UAW calls in their favor, and thousands of grad students find themselves hunched over assembly lines in Detroit, pondering the ironic existentiality of it all. To these fallen heroes we form a cog and play the solemn hymn, "carry on My Wayward Agitator."
[Form Cog, play Carry On]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, and Iran, back despite an upcoming invasion, it's the most psychic band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Yes, Iran We're going to invade you.
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Cannon’s Where will all the jocks drink?
J. Soha Where will all the sleazy men drink?
And
J. West End Oh. That's where.
[Fanfare]
As well as a non-nuclear mushroom cloud going up over North Korea, freshman heading down to St. Luke's via old CAVA way, and the Spectator, now twice as large, twice as thick, and two-ply, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to Politics, Music and Reconciliation.
[who owns]
Columbia was moping around this week, asking all its friends why John McCain wouldn't show up Monday night, even though we called him Sunday and made him promise that he was writing it down in his date book. But if there's one thing that can salve the wounds of hardcore rejection, it's vapid pop music that sucked eight years ago. So Columbia was overjoyed to find Hanson playing on her doorstep Tuesday, thrilling the crowd by constantly reminding people who they were. The marching band suspects that the golden haired trio has ulterior motives, though, and is just trying to finagle an acceptance letter or three. Why else would they play their new single, "I Never Knew Love Until I Met Jessica Marinaccio, Director of Undergraduate Admissions"? It might be tough going for these young men though. The Olsen twins already go to NYU, and this town ain't big enough for two developmentally retarded marketing phenomena who reveal America's underlying obsession with pre-pubescent sex symbols. In honor of Hanson Um-Bopping well past their 15 minutes, the band forms a stopwatch and plays "Sweet mid-90's Boy Band of Mine."
[Form Watch, play Sweet Child]
The last time the Rams made their way to Baker Field, there was some commotion over a certain line in our script. Perhaps you remember the incident. Anyway, after various petitions for apologies and MSNBC appearances and New York Times articles, the Band is ready to bury the hatchet. Sure, you all might have overreacted, but we're willing to be the bigger people here. So please join us, Fordham, in a salute to you. In honor of showing you how we really feel, the band now forms the mascot of your school and plays Happy Together.
[Form Ram, play Happy Together]
{And when we say Ram, we mean a crude diagram of the female reproductive organs, complete with uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovum. We're nothing if not a classy bunch of people.}
RUN AWAY!