2004-10-09 - Lafayette
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and swing state voters, back despite the vice presidential debates, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, still refusing to call off his trek up Mt. St. Helens
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will pound the Patriot League, the Leopards will be left to float down the Delaware, and true Americans everywhere will scorn that Francophile College.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that Columbia has been the proud bearer and giver of many prizes.
Columbia has had another Nobel Prize winner in its ranks marking the 71st Nobel for us, and the 103rd consecutive year that Lafayette alums have been passed over for the dubious honor. Richard Axel won the award for his research on the sense of smell. Well, Columbia, we've finally done it. It took us 250 years, but finally we know somewhat more about olfaction than we used to. Someone fetch the cheap champagne and wooden cakes. I'd say we've earned them. In other news, Robert Kraft received the Hamilton Award for being one of Columbia's biggest donors. Kraft will receive his prize in the form of being told to write a check to the University. In honor of self-congratulation, the band now forms a Prestigious Gilded Trophy and play My Nobel.
[Form Trophy, Play My Sharona]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and volcano survivors, back despite the end of time, it's the most exhausted band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. George Bush, Amusing Debates
J. John Kerry, Not Losing Debates
J. America, Losing
[Fanfare]
As well as Columbia's dc hub getting unplugged, hate mail to the spectator office piling up, and Columbia students turning to the streets in search of their bootleg movies, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to the Wrath of Mother Nature.
In the past few weeks, it seems that Mother Nature just doesn't like mankind.
She especially doesn't like Easton, Pennsylvania, though. When Hurricane Ivan roared through last month, he brought untold devastation to the town. It was one of the worst moments in town history, rivaled only by a cold winter day in December of 1826 when the citizens of Easton decided to found Lafayette College. The aged Marquis de Lafayette, who was gravely ill, would surely be revived back to health after a small Pennsylvania town named a third tier University after him. But the flooding of Easton is old news, being pushed out of the limelight by the deadlier, more spectacular, Mt. St. Helens in Washington. But the band really has to wonder, what's all this hogging front-page news for a whole week. What's it going to' be Mt. St. Helens? Are you going to explode and shoot fiery hot magma from your loins? Are you going to cause vast devastation or just be a tourist attraction for local boobs? Sounds like a lot of flipp-floppery to us. In honor of the impending doom the nature wishes to bring, the Band now forms a barren wasteland and plays "Blister in the Sun"
[Form Barren Wasteland, Play Blister in the Sun]
Recently it seems that Supreme Court Judge Anthony Scalia gave a speech at Harvard promoting orgies. Now, for those of you in the Patriot League, we'll go over this point-by-point. Anthony Scalia sits on the US Supreme Court, which is like an inter-Greek council, but with less binge drinking. Harvard is a school your parents weren't rich enough to buy you into and an orgy is ... we'll talk about it when you’re a little bit older. He noted their positive social benefits such as relieving tension, promoting physical fitness, and meeting new people. The aged Justice went on to say that the planning of one is not an easy task, citing his own frustration in arranging a delicious love fest for his fellow members up at the Supreme Court. Chief Justice William Renquist has ruled vehemently against the idea, citing the legal precedent that no one likes him because his robe makes him look fat. One member has been more than enthusiastic though. Justice Clarence Thomas even asked if he could invite his friend Anita along, and reminisced back to the good old days of FDR. "If his court packing plan had gone through, then we would have had 15 justices to participate". In honor of FDR's plan with 6 consenting and 9 dissenting opinions, the band now form's loose constructionism and plays "Any Way You Want It."
[Form Loose Constructionism, Play Any Way You Want It]