2004-10-16 - Penn
Pre-game
{Due to a slow bus ride and incompetent stadium workers, our handsome red-haired scriptreader couldn't make it to the pressbox in time to read the pre-game script Nevertheless, it's here for your internet viewing pleasure.}
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Penn students, back despite popular demand, it's the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Daniel Binder Head Manager
J. Vanessa Schneider Drum Major
And
J. Steven Reid, at a town hall debate
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to Franklin Field in sunny, singular, sepulchral, quaint, industrial, hardworking, cheese-steak loving, yet still apocalyptic Philadelphia, where were sure the score will be as high as the idealistic, young Stallone of Rocky II, the Quakers will be beaten into subdued pacifism, and the thick and gooey oatmeal will run more swiftly than the Schuylkill.
[Who Owns]
The band would like to welcome Penn students to Columbia's online Campus Network. We know you all might be a little hesitant to use it at first, since going on the internet requires both reading and rudimentary typing skills, but we think you'll find that it's worth it. You can talk to your friends about how much you like playing sports, how much you like watching sports, and about that totally hard test you took in sociology 101. They even have photo galleries, so that the evidence from the frat party is never destroyed. In honor of bytes and hard disks, the band now forms the Internet and hopes that our sweet online lover is really who they say they are.
[Form Internet, Play Shaft]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen and English colonists, back despite the Duke of York, it's the most royally appareled band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Anglophiles.
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Michael Keaton Batman
J. Toby McGuire Spiderman
And
J. Christopher Reeve You win this time, Lex Luthor
{Twas only 5 days after he died. Insensitive? Maybe, but everybody laughed..}
[Fanfare]
As well as Music on Locust Walk getting silenced, the Penn smoking ban going up in Smoke, and the Buchanan vs. Dean steel cage death match, the band now presents an all-star gala half-time salute to the 249th Anniversary of the University of Pennsylvania.
[Who Owns]
That's right you heard it here first, Penn. 249 years. We're calling your bluff on this one. Just because Ben Franklin rolled over in bed early one morning in 1740, and remarked to whomever he was sleeping with at the time, "that Philly ought make a fine place for a College", means nothing. Yesterday it seems that Penn inaugurated a new president, making her the third female to head an ivy league after Ruth Simmons of Brown and Lawrence Summers of Harvard. In honor of President Gutman the University held a number of symposia, or as they are known here at Penn, symposiums. Some of the titles included “Isn’t Calculus really hard?” “Why Am I an Intellectual?” and “What was the score of the football game”. But we have to wonder what would have happened if the trustees had chosen the Columbia Band to be your President instead. Why if we were in charge, then we'd hand out full scholarships under the table to create a football team that could not be matched. We'd establish an undergraduate business school that only the most pretentious and selfish individuals would attend. More importantly though, we'd promote Greek life because a day of sobriety in the land adjacent to 30th Street Station would scare off any prospective student. And we know how you need those. In honor of 249 years, the Band now forms the Penn band's favorite, a martini glass and plays, just because we can, "249 or 6 to 4."
[Form a Martini Glass, Play 25 or 6 to 4]
The band is actually happy to be here in Pennsylvania for once, where we can escape New York's massive crowds, noisy streets, and constant threat of annihilation. You all should feel lucky to be here in Philly, where you'll simply get showered with most of the radioactive fallout. But no matter what city we find ourselves in, it's better than Iraq right? We in the band were slightly concerned about talks of a renewed military draft until we realized that we're all well-off Ivy League students. We don't fight wars; we just come up with abstract justifications or criticisms of it. Then we become members of the ruling class, and pretend we really wanted to fight in the army to make it sound like we're compassionate, brave people. We've really got it all figured out. In honor of America's intellectual elite, the band now forms a plutocrat and plays “Living on a Trust Fund”.
Or runs out of time..
[Form Plutocrat, Play Prayer]
{After we didn't give them any time to play during our 250th last year, Penn barely gave us enough time to get through one song. The scriptreader didn't notice the band leaving the field while he was reading the second joke.}